DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who has an annoying habit: When she asks me to do something together — go to a movie, get dinner, etc. — she always precedes her request with a “No pressure, but …”
Frankly, starting with that phrase makes me perceive pressure. Without the phrase, it’s no big deal: just a normal request or suggestion, to which I may say yes or no.
More than once, I have told her, “No need to say ‘no pressure,’ I know there is no pressure,” and then, “Gotta say, I find the phrase ‘no pressure’ unnecessary.”
She will not stop. Any other suggestions?
GENTLE READER: Mild humor has always worked for Miss Manners: “I do feel pressure! Now that you say it, I feel incredible pressure!! What am I going to do?”
Of course, there is a way to say this that will be understood as gentle teasing, and a way to say it that comes across as the grossest insult. You can surmise which Miss Manners is recommending.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the pandemic started, we had to leave the country we were living in with just a few days’ notice, thinking we’d be back in a few months. The woman who acts as our landlord took about 45 of our plants to her apartment to care for while we were gone. This was an amazing collection we cultivated over about five years, at significant expense.
Due to COVID and immigration restrictions, it has actually taken us 15 months to return. We were just recently offered our old jobs back with a work permit, and it looks like we will be here for at least two years.
The woman who has our plants has not mentioned them once. Is it too late to ask for them back, assuming they’re not all dead? Or do we just start over?
GENTLE READER: It’s not too late to ask, but it is too late to expect much.
Start with thanks — and a graceful way out: “It was so kind of you to take our plants in when this all began, and we completely understand if you were not able to maintain them all this time. But if any remain, could we come by to pick them up?”
Note that Miss Manners is at the limit of her reach in calling them “our plants.” Beyond said reach would be: “the plants we cultivated at significant expense,” “our darling plants” or “our children.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I had a friend over for dinner some months ago, we had a great time. Since then, she has said many times that she would like to invite me over for dinner at her home.
And that is the end of it. Although I have replied every time that I would be delighted to visit, the actual invitation is never issued. I am left to conclude that she is merely being polite, at least to her way of thinking, and does not wish to have me over.
I am weary of the tease. How may I put a stop to it?
GENTLE READER: If you are curious about your friend’s intent, Miss Manners would allow you to offer a general time frame that would work for you and then to see what happens. Or you can keep saying, “That would be lovely.”
Read more: Miss Manners
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
