Dear Amy: I recently graduated with my master’s.
My mother and mother-in-law flew separately to my graduation from the other side of the country.
I am grateful they both came, but while my MIL was here she made repeated comments that I felt put down my degree. She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time.
She gave him a graduation gift, as well as a shirt that said, “I survived my wife’s graduate degree.”
I was shocked and hurt by this, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day.
I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments into something that was apparently extremely difficult for him.
After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (through tears) but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and not wear it because he knew it made me upset.
I tried to grin and bear it but I was deeply hurt and felt mocked.
She has had a pattern of making little negative comments about my degree and future job.
I want to address this, but it’s been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact.
I do appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call and explain my feelings to her?
– Recent Grad
Dear Grad: Your husband’s mother decided to make a big deal over him on the occasion of your graduation, belittling you in the process. Her preferential treatment is embarrassing, silly (and in my opinion, sexist), and you could try to address your lingering sensitivity about this honestly, but carefully.
When you call, start by thanking her for making the journey to celebrate your graduation. Tell her, “Something’s been bothering me, and because it’s still on my mind, I thought I should try to talk to you about it. You said a few things over the weekend that made it sound like you don’t value my degree and my profession. I hope you understand that I’m sensitive because I’ve worked so hard to achieve this. Do you really feel that way?”
Give her a chance to respond, listen with intention, and do your best to transition this encounter from a confrontation to a conversation. Assure her that you value your husband’s support, and now that you have this advanced degree, you’ll do your best to support him in the style to which he’s accustomed.
Dear Amy: We are a family with grown children and grandchildren.
We are completely puzzled at Christmas and birthdays as to how to treat everyone fairly.
We love them all and yet should we give each family group the same value gift? Should we give each family member the same value gift?
Either way we feel it is not totally “fair,” because, due to the number of children, the numbers are not equal in each family.
I’m certain many families have the same question, and many have chosen other ways to equalize their gifting.
After discussion, we thought perhaps you have ideas that you could give us to consider.
– What is Fair?
Dear Fair?: My first idea is for you to amend your concept of “fairness” to include ideals that are more important than a price tag.
Did you raise your children encouraging them to compare the monetary value of gifts – or did you assure them that, when treated with love and fairness things have a way of equaling out?
I hope it’s the latter.
One way to give more or less equally is to give families “experiences.” You could help to sponsor a trip they want to take, or pay tuition for summer camp or music lessons.
Dear Amy: I could have written the letter from “Intolerant Caregiver,” who was struggling with her elderly mother’s negativity and demands.
In addition to your supportive advice, any caregiver would benefit from a caregiving support group. Talking and venting with others struggling with the same issues really helped me.
– Still Caring
Dear Caring: Video chatting has made attending these groups even easier. The local Office on Aging is a good place to start.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.