Dear Amy: I dated a former boyfriend over three years ago. We met through a dating app.
I was in the process of moving to the same area where he lived (but not because of him). He broke up with me, and I was OK with that.
Afterward, he contacted me a few more times.
A few months after we broke up, I agreed to meet with him, thinking that it would finally end his contact. I stated I was not interested in pursuing any relationship. I blocked him on my phone after the meet-up, and thought it was done.
Since then, he has emailed me several times, once while I was dating my (now) husband. I ignored the email.
He then “friend requested” me on my social media and professional profiles. All rejected.
He emailed me again. I replied, stating that I wished no more contact, as I was now married. My email was short and to the point, but not mean.
He friend-requested me again on social media and even went as far as to email me on my work email shortly after.
I blocked him from everything again.
My husband is fully aware of each contact, and we decided together how to react.
I just received yet another email (three months later) asking to meet up.
I would like to ignore this one, but truly do not have a clue why he continues to contact me after I asked for the communication to cease.
It has been almost three years since we dated.
I have no desire for any relationship. I just want him to stop.
– Exasperated Woman
Dear Exasperated: You’ve already stated that you don’t want any more contact, and he has chosen to persist.
There is nothing more to say, and so you should not respond at all.
Putting the most benign spin on this, it sounds like this guy has set a reminder to reach out to you every three months or so, and he does not have the capacity or motivation to respect your very clearly stated cue that you’re done.
I suggest that you create a “rule” for his email address, and send any email from him straight into a folder. (You should also check with your company’s HR/IT department regarding any further attempts to connect with you through work channels.)
This allows you to occasionally check to see if he is persisting or escalating. It will also provide evidence of his contact in case you become concerned enough to pursue legal action.
Print out any emails (along with the header, listing his email address). Check your state’s laws regarding filing for a restraining order for cyberstalking.
Doing this research now will prepare you if he escalates and you feel threatened.
Dear Amy: I had my DNA tested, as have some of my second cousins, and in one case the results are disturbing.
One cousin’s paternal grandfather and my maternal grandmother were siblings, but our percent-DNA match is above the feasible range for second cousins and centered on the range for first cousins once removed.
My matches with six other cousins with the same great-grandparents (they had nine kids) are smack in the middle of the normal range.
Long story short (having researched DNA results interpretation for other reasons), this cousin’s supposed grandfather is probably actually his biological father. Looking at his online family tree, my cousin was born in 1945, his father served overseas in the navy during WWII, and his grandfather lived in the same town as his mother.
Am I right in not bringing this up nor discussing it with him or anyone else?
It doesn’t really affect his or his kids’ genetic health history.
All the actors in this drama are long dead.
I have no idea whether my cousin has figured this out, but I think this is truly a situation to let sleeping dogs lie.
– Know Too Much
Dear Know Too Much: I’m with you.
We’ll see how readers respond to this DNA dilemma.
Dear Amy: Thank you for your response to “Harassed Mom,” who was sexually harassed as a teen by her parents’ friend, “Roger.”
I appreciated that you advised this mother to be extremely frank about this with her own teen daughter, and to also confront Roger.
I endured this silently when I was a teen, much to my regret.
– Been There
Dear Been There: It’s important that we as a society continue to encourage our children to report these violations, although the reasons for remaining silent are often complex.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
