Dear Amy: Some time ago I gave my good friend “Cheryl” some very expensive designer clothes I thought she would like, but they were too big for her.
With my permission she showed them to a couple of other people I know, one of whom took the clothing, apparently with delight.
My friend told her that I didn’t want any money for the clothes, but she suggested a bottle of wine would be a nice thank you.
I have seen this woman in passing many times and not one word of thanks has been given.
I have started giving her the cold shoulder, but I don’t think she notices.
It shouldn’t bother me, but it does, so I was thinking of telling her the reason I’m ignoring her.
By the way, I don’t like her anyway!
Should I just let it go?
– Dressed Down
Dear Down: Your story reminds me of the well-known thought experiment: If you deliver a cold shoulder, but the recipient doesn’t notice, is the shoulder still cold?
I know you understand that when you willingly surrendered these items, they ceased being yours.
Because these clothes came through an intermediary, there is a remote possibility that this recipient does not realize that the clothes actually originated with you.
There is also a possibility that she sold the clothing she received, made a mint, and is now sashaying through town, feeling pretty good about her choices.
You don’t seem to have a positive relationship with her, and so the stakes are different than if you had a longstanding friendship to worry about.
The next time you see this person, approach her and say, “Cheryl told me she passed along some of my clothes to you. I’m wondering how they’re working out?”
Depending on how she answers, you can add: “It was hard to say goodbye to things I love. I was glad they landed in a good home, but honestly, I’m disappointed that you never acknowledged it or thanked me.”
Dear Amy: I hate to see all of the letters you run from readers who don’t like you or what you do. Why don’t you run more praising responses?
I love what you do!
– Fan
Dear Fan: I receive plenty of compliments, and appreciate them all.
This one’s for you.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
