DEAR ABBY: Is it normal for people to ignore relatives who have Alzheimer’s? My father spent more than two years in a veteran’s hospital before his death. During that time, he was visited regularly by his children (including me) and my aunt (his sister). His grandchildren and another aunt visited a few times. Two of my uncles saw him once.
None of his other relatives — nephews, nieces, cousins — ever went to visit him. If they did, they never mentioned it to me, nor did any of the staff in my father’s dementia ward, leaving me 99% certain that no one else came.
There are no conflicts going on in my extended family. Dad got along with everyone and never spoke ill about anyone. So I’m left with the conclusion that either no one cared, or they were for some reason afraid to see someone with Alzheimer’s. Maybe the thinking was that Dad wouldn’t remember the visit, so why bother? None of those alternatives are comforting, and I’m finding it hard to think of most of my relatives the way I used to.
Please let your readers know that even one token visit to an elderly relative with Alzheimer’s is, literally, the least they could do. It may not be remembered by the patient, but it will be remembered by his kids. — DISAPPOINTED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Unfortunately, your situation is not uncommon. Many people struggle with what to say and do when a family member is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease or another dementia. Efforts to be supportive can be dampened by not knowing how to engage with someone as Alzheimer’s progresses, which can lead some individuals to distance themselves completely. This only adds to the sadness and isolation families may experience.
While my advice is too late to help you and your family members, I encourage others in your situation to be open and honest in their conversations with family and friends. Let them know that while Alzheimer’s disease has changed your family member, their friendship and presence is valuable to everyone involved. Invite them to stay connected with your family member. Offer to answer their questions and even provide suggestions on how they might be supportive. If they want to visit, let them know in advance what they may expect, and offer suggestions on how they can communicate with the person and what activities might offer an opportunity to connect.
The Alzheimer’s Association website (alz.org) offers information and resources to help families navigate disease-related challenges. The association also offers free education programs and support groups, and a free 24/7 Helpline (800-272-3900) available day and night to answer questions and to provide guidance.
I understand your disappointment in those relatives who let you and Dad down during a difficult time, but please don’t assume their actions were ill-intended. Many of them may have been at a loss for how to interact with your dad. Hopefully, your letter will encourage others in similar situations to learn how they can stay connected with those with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia as the disease progresses.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.