Dear Annie: I have a friend who I have known since junior high (we’re now in our mid-60s). We weren’t super close friends but always stayed in touch even though we lived across the country from each other. She married another dear friend I’ve known even longer. They were married for over 30 years and have two children.
Fast-forward to two years ago. My husband and I moved to retire, and the place we chose happens to be in the same area where they live. They were the only people we knew here when we arrived. We had lots of fun together as couples, but we could see that their relationship was not good and the tension between them was harsh.
Our daughter moved here shortly after we did and met their son, and they are now in a serious relationship.
Our couple friends finally divorced, and we were trying to maintain friendships with both, but it became difficult for many reasons. A year later, the ex-husband revealed he is gay. We are fine with that, but she has drawn a line that if we want to remain her friend, we can’t be his friend. There are numerous reasons, but we have discovered many things in her life that we can’t deal with.
This wouldn’t be a problem except for our children’s relationship. The ex-wife has turned her son against his father, and he won’t go anywhere with his father or be involved with anything where his father is involved. We have tried very hard to remain neutral, but it’s causing problems for our children.
We see both sides — all sides, really — but when we try to get together with the ex-wife, she consistently bashes our friend and says and does terribly toxic things, even to our daughter.
Any advice on how to proceed with this rat’s nest to help our children? — When Friends Divorce
Dear Friends Divorce: Say exactly what you said in this letter to the ex-wife. You are still friends with her ex-husband, and you do not like the way she talks about him. Just like if he were to speak unkindly about her, you would say the same thing and hold him to the same standard. Tell her that she can talk about anything else except badmouthing her ex.
In many ways, her son is half her ex-husband, so speaking ill of the boy’s father only hurts her own son. Ask her to follow the rule that if you don’t have something nice to say about your ex, don’t say anything at all.
Your friend is grieving, so be patient with her as she goes through this process. She is understandably angry about her ex-husband’s deceit regarding his sexuality. And she has every right to speak with a professional or a friend, who is not friends with her ex, and try to process what happened.
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