Dear Annie: “Still Sad’s” story is almost my story. I didn’t know I was in an abusive marriage until I got out of it. That means our two children grew up in a home where they saw and heard things that shouldn’t have been seen and, essentially, had traumatized childhoods. Materialistically, they had everything. The last thing in the world I thought would happen after the divorce was my children would divorce me. I thought I was integral in their lives.
At first, I was confused by the estrangements. They were carrying on close relationships with their father, the wife-beater and attempted murderer. I said nothing about him to them. Then, years rolled by. I had to learn to live without them in my life. One of them actually lived two miles from me; the others would visit and have holidays with each other, without me. My only daughter told me I was not invited to her wedding, a lavish affair with friends and family flying in from all over the country. She had two babies without so much as an announcement.
It’s true, I had a part in it all, we always do, but it doesn’t mean I was a bad person. It’s hard to even know what they attributed as my part. I continued to send them birthday and Christmas cards. After 10 years of silence, my son contacted me. He’d seen some light, and I welcomed him back with open arms. Four years later, he was dead from fentanyl. He never did the work he needed to do from his childhood issues.
Recently, after not talking to or seeing my daughter for 12 years, we got together, so I got to meet my grandchildren. She gave me a reason that has no merit and knocked my socks off — but it’s what she tells herself to justify her behavior.
I can’t control any of it. I am loved and respected by my friends and peers. It has to be enough. I’ve had to learn to not expect anything I imagined my life would look like and create something different. I suggest that “Still Sad” find information on estranged parents and children. She should read Dr. Joshua Coleman’s work or Sheri McGregor’s “Done With the Crying.” “Still Sad,” you are not alone. It is much more common than one would think. — Sad but Still Living
Dear Sad but Still Living: Firstly, I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered in your marriage, the estrangement you suffered from your children and the grief you suffered from the loss of your son. Despite all this suffering, it sounds like you have reached a state of peace — taking responsibility for your life while also having grace for yourself.
Whatever stories your daughter is telling herself about the past are outside of your control. Perhaps she will outgrow them, perhaps she will do the work to confront her past and move on — but perhaps not. Focus on the beauty of having her in your life again.
Thank you for your suggestions. It sounds like they helped you cope with your estrangement, and I’m sure they will be valuable to readers in similar situations.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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