Dear Annie: My mom and I have always had a weird relationship. Throughout my childhood, I always considered us close, even when she moved hours away to the other side of the state when I was in middle school. We would talk regularly, and I would go see her for summer and winter breaks. When I graduated high school, I happily made the move to live with her.
Throughout the years of living with her, I started to see her true colors coming out. I learned my mom is a habitual liar, is manipulative, has cheated on everyone she’s been with, and gaslights when she has been caught in a lie or when she is unhappy about a decision that has little or nothing to do with her.
A few years back, with the help of my husband, I managed to move away from her and to start healing from a lot of the stuff she has said and/or done to me that has left some traumatic imprints. She decided to follow me (and a man she was cheating on my stepdad with) to my new home despite me begging her not to so I could have space. She is now constantly texting me and ignores my pleas for space.
I am constantly nervous about leaving my home in fear I will run into her, and she will decide that now whatever I’m doing she is doing as well. I have debated blocking her, but she has made comments in the past about having people constantly watching me and making me feel like she would show up unannounced at my home or workplace.
I have no clue what to do at this point. I’m an only child and she has no friends or family out here. I desperately want and need my own space so I can heal from the trauma she caused me in my childhood and early adulthood, but she constantly makes me feel guilty about needing space and will reach out multiple times a week when I ask for it. How do I make her understand I can’t do this anymore? How do I create space with someone who doesn’t respect my request for it? — Feeling Suffocated
Dear Feeling Suffocated: It sounds like you have been on quite the journey with your mother. Is there any part of you that wants to maintain a relationship with her? Perhaps with some firm boundaries and direct communication, you two can work something out. For example, plan to have dinner together once per week but request zero communication beyond that.
Other parts of your letter, however, are more concerning. If you are worried about your safety, I would suggest consulting a lawyer about getting a restraining order.
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