Dear Annie: Where do I even start with a mother like mine? She tries WAY too hard to be funny, and I usually end up being the butt of her jokes, which, as a shy introvert, I’m not crazy about. I’ve backed off on sharing news about what’s going on in my life because for whatever reason, she feels compelled to make my business everyone else’s business (including personal medical stuff), and worse, anytime she offers me any financial assistance (I don’t ask; she offers), she always manages to turn it around and make me feel guilty for needing help.
At one point, she even brought me to tears when my insurance wouldn’t cover one of my medications, and she offered to pay for it just to complain about how expensive I was — right in front of the cashier. I’ve tried to talk to her repeatedly about how bad she makes me feel, but she just dismisses me as being “too sensitive.” I’m borderline ready to just cut her off, but I’m wondering if there’s a different way I can approach this since she won’t listen to me. — Belittled Daughter
Dear Belittled Daughter: Instead of deciding if you should cut her off right now, try to understand that what your mother is doing is truly mean. There is no other way to say it. She teases you and violates your boundaries by blabbing to others about your personal matters and then tells you that you are being too sensitive for having a natural human reaction by feeling hurt. That is called “gaslighting,” plain and simple.
Your sensitivity is a gift. It is hopefully what will allow you to get some awareness about what is going on. Your mom probably had that same type of shaming or cruelty done to her, and instead of allowing herself to look at how hurt it made her feel, she just identified with the aggressor and is now doing the same to you. Giving you money and then making you feel guilty — all forms of control.
Because you are sensitive, you can break this cycle and recognize that your mom is a hurt woman who is hurting you. Know that her actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that she couldn’t get in touch with her feelings enough to know how that type of teasing and shaming to someone is really cruel. Continue to be yourself and allow that sensitive side of your personality to make you into a more empathetic human being — something the world certainly needs more of today.
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