DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am over 65, single, and enjoy dining out. I realize that I’m not young anymore, but I still take a lot of offense at being addressed in a condescending manner by female waitstaff, who use terms such as “honey” while talking to me. I think this is very rude, and I occasionally address it with them.
Should this affect how much I tip, or whether I leave a tip at all?
I had a recent experience that really irritated me. The waitress was professional during most of the meal and called me “sir,” but after I paid and put the tip on my credit card, she said “Thank you, honey” as I got ready to leave. Do you think it’s fair not to tip in those situations?
GENTLE READER: Tips are how the restaurant has its customers pay part of its employees’ salaries directly. One of the many things wrong with this system is the practice of punitive tipping. You should complain to the management about poor service, not dock the servers — any more than your salary is docked when you have a bad day.
But in this case, you would also bewilder the waitress who offended you without the least intention of doing so. That is not to say that Miss Manners endorses that form of address. But the unknowing offense does not justify your treating it as a high insult.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it strange to read of people being affianced for years. I thought traditional etiquette meant a fiance was someone you were going to marry in the next year, two at most.
For example, without mentioning names, look at a former president’s son and his paramour, now “engaged” for five years. And all the people who already have children together who simply say they are “engaged.”
But English is a living language; shall we all just assume the meaning of “engaged to be married” has changed?
GENTLE READER: Yes, the current meaning of “fiance” is someone in a couple who are getting along well, and plan to marry after decades of planning an extravagant wedding — or never. Miss Manners has noticed that in crime reports of domestic assault, the term is “live-in boyfriend.”
However, years-long engagements are not really new. Time was when people spent those years saving up to be able to afford to marry. Can you believe that?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father and my brother are having a discussion and would like your input. The question is whether or not it is OK to eat green beans with your hands.
My dad brings up normal table manners. However, my brother mentions the fact that we eat greasy foods, like french fries, with our hands, and green beans aren’t greasy in the slightest. What do you think about this?
GENTLE READER: Can Miss Manners persuade your family to switch to asparagus? Asparagus can be considered a finger food, for no particular reason except tradition.
But not green beans. And she trusts that you are eating greasy french fries only in greasy joints.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.