DEAR MISS MANNERS: Donation request platforms are becoming ever more popular. Sadly, many families rely on these online fundraising campaigns for medical bills and other very valid needs.
However, I find myself becoming a little cynical and exasperated with repeated posts and requests. For example, a family I know is raising money for a trip to another city for their daughter’s medical procedure, but also shares posts about their family vacations to Disney.
Usually, I just choose whether to give or not, and don’t think twice. But I recently received a personal message from a friend whose fund I donated modestly to in the past. She messaged me that she has more than $600 in medical expenses coming up, that she had created a fundraiser and that any amount would help.
I was taken aback by the manner of the request, and since my friend hadn’t posted anything about it, I thought her account had been hacked. I reached out to her and asked if her account was compromised. She acknowledged that she had sent me the request.
So now I’m a bit torn about what to do. On one hand, she’s having medical problems and I want to help. On the other hand, my financial situation isn’t such that I can make a meaningful contribution. Plus, I only hear from this friend when she needs something.
What’s the protocol for such requests? Is it expected to give a nominal amount if someone you know “hits you up” specifically? Do I explain why I won’t be contributing or just pay up?
GENTLE READER: The world is full of people in need, and Miss Manners commends your sympathetic attitude. But even rich philanthropists know that they can’t help everyone and must judge cases in order to use their donations effectively.
Donating to “whoever I know who happens to ask” is not a good plan. And “not thinking twice” is not a good policy. You should be deciding how much charity you can afford and giving it to people or causes you are truly moved to help — not people you feel are taking advantage of you, and even hounding you.
Online pleas may be ignored. For face-to-face ones, you should express sympathy, but explain nothing more than that you have committed your charitable budget elsewhere.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative sent me a card for my birthday with a single lottery ticket, just for fun. I didn’t end up winning anything.
Is a lottery ticket considered a gift, and if so, should I write a thank-you note? Would the answer change if I had won something?
GENTLE READER: Yes and yes. As it is, you could write, “I had such fun thinking how you and I could enjoy all that money.” Had you won, Miss Manners suggests something more like, “I know you have been wanting a new car, and I’m so happy to now be able to get it for you.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
