DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in line at the grocery store behind an elderly woman. She looked at the cashier and asked him, out of the blue, “What’s your background?”
He was obviously surprised by her question. She kept going: “You’re obviously not Latino, but you have a very interesting face.”
The whole thing was very uncomfortable. I could see the cashier shrink from her questions. He eventually did tell her where he was “from.”
He and I shared a commiserating look while she bagged her groceries, but I wanted to do more — either to tell her it’s impolite to ask people where they’re from, or to say something sympathetic to the cashier.
I live in a very diverse area, so encountering blatant “othering” of someone was surprising. I’d appreciate guidance on how I should have handled it.
GENTLE READER: The question was improper, and Miss Manners appreciates your wanting to stand up for someone who was not in a position to stand up for himself. But there should be other considerations before escalating a situation into a public scene.
You did signal sympathy to the cashier. But would it further embarrass him, and perhaps endanger his position, if you did so more conspicuously? He is the best judge of that, and his finally answering the question suggests that he just wanted to get the interaction over with.
Next, would you have been able to change the offender’s mind? This cannot be done angrily; people do not respond well to embarrassment and scolding. You would have had to ask politely for her attention, listened to her defense and allowed her to save face. This could be accomplished by saying, “I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way, but when you question people’s origins, they feel you are saying they don’t really belong here.”
Were you too indignant to manage that? Then it is well that you stopped when you did.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will be getting married at our lakefront home next year, which will be a destination wedding for most of our very large, close-knit family.
While we would love to invite the children, there are nearly 20 of them, all under the age of 10. Neither the happy couple nor my husband and I feel comfortable having little ones at a large event — with alcohol, near water — for obvious reasons.
However, we live in an area that is a popular family destination, so if people wanted to bring their kids, they could make an extended vacation of it. We’d be happy to have them at the lake before or after the wedding day, when the kids can be safely supervised. I am more than willing to obtain responsible sitters for them on the wedding day, at my expense.
Can we possibly convey this in a “save the date”? A separate correspondence? Not at all? We are not sure what to do here, but I’d sure love to see all our kiddies!
GENTLE READER: You are actually issuing two hospitable invitations here, not one that is positive and one that is negative.
“Save the date” notices are, by their nature, informal. Miss Manners suggests sending two: one addressed to the adults, alerting them to the wedding and noting the other arrangements for the children; and one addressed to the children, outlining the activities planned for them during and around the wedding.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
