Dear Amy: I’m a 35-year-old woman.
A few months ago, my brother (age 37) and sister-in-law caught me smoking pot in my home. Now they won’t let their kids (ages 6 and under) come over to my house. We used to have regular sleepovers once or twice a month.
We live in a state where marijuana is legal, and I was using it to self-medicate and manage my mental health.
After this incident, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder, which, as it turns out, I have lived with (undiagnosed and untreated) since childhood.
As soon as I started medication, I no longer felt the need to smoke, and all aspects of my life have changed for the better. I feel like I am waking up from a profound disability.
I would like to explain all of this to my brother in hopes of reconciling.
However, my doctors tell me to stay away from them, as being around their judgmental and self-righteous attitude could trigger a relapse.
Should I let my close relationship with a sibling (and even closer relationship with his kids) come to an end?
They haven’t asked how I am doing, and they assume that addiction was at the root of all my problems.
I am used to not telling people my side of the story, but keeping these truths unspoken hurts more than I can express.
– Isolated and ill
Dear Isolated: You were “caught” smoking pot in your own home. It’s your home.
I’m going to assume that these parents had a valid reason to believe that you have smoked around their children.
Parents’ primary job is to protect their children from harm. People should not smoke around children; they should not be high, drunk, or otherwise impaired around children.
Your brother and sister-in-law forced this issue, and the overall result seems to be a very good one for you. You have a diagnosis, you’re taking prescribed medication to manage your illness, and you’ve stopped smoking weed to self-medicate.
I’m not your – or anyone’s – doctor, but the way you’ve presented this, it seems to be in everyone’s best interest for you to communicate these positive changes in your life to your family members. You could do this in a letter or email, or in a supervised setting in your therapist’s office. You might head their harsh judgment off at the pass if you started by acknowledging how their very “tough love” led you to finally reckon with your own illness in a healthy and responsible way.
I believe it could be extremely important for you to start to communicate honestly about your own situation.
Dear Amy: My friend “Thomas” is 50; I am 73.
Nearly a year ago Thomas asked for a loan of $1,000 to catch up on child support.
We agreed that he could pay me back in cash – or do work around my house.
Nothing has ever happened.
I recently told him that we needed to resolve it, or we couldn’t remain friends.
No reply.
I’m so hurt and angry, but how do I let it go?
We are no longer communicating. It’s not about the money – I just feel taken advantage of because I’m old.
I’ve known him, like family, since he was 17.
– Stupid Old Lady
Dear Lady: First of all, you are not “stupid.” (Nor, in my opinion, are you “old,” but that’s another topic for another day.)
You are generous, and, when asked, you extended your generosity toward someone you’ve known for decades.
The terms of this loan were also generous: Giving Thomas the option of “working off” this loan was a good idea, because generally speaking when a parent gets far behind on child support, they will struggle to catch up.
You were also straightforward in telling Thomas that this matter needed to be settled.
The only judgment you should pass is toward Thomas, who has dug himself into a deep hole, and has now lost a friend because of his actions.
Generosity has a twin characteristic: Forgiveness. I genuinely believe that you will feel better about yourself if you forgive him for the terrible way he has handled this.
Dear Amy: My heart hurt for “Broken & Exhausted,” the divorced mother of two who mourned for her previous life when she “used to have everything.”
Thank you for encouraging her to see herself as a survivor.
– Grateful
Dear Grateful: I hope she can successfully re-frame these yearnings to see what a winner she really is.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
