Dear Readers: Like you, I’m often curious about what happens to the advice I offer once it leaves my desk, and so I’ve asked readers to send in “updates” to let all of us know how my advice was received, if it was followed, and how things turned out.
The responses have flowed in, and I’m interested and often gratified to learn what impact this experience has had on readers.
This year I celebrate my 20th year of writing this column. Publishing these updates reminds me that we have been through a lot over these past decades. Some of these updates read like postcards from old friends, and I’m happy to share them.
To refresh all of our memories, I’m running the original Q&A, followed by the update.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have become friends with another couple and have gotten together with them several times, either at one another’s homes or by going out.
Each time, over the course of the evening, the wife begins trying to pick a fight with her husband. She speaks to him in a belittling manner, her voice dripping with sarcasm and points out what she sees as his shortcomings, and though he ignores her, she doesn’t stop.
As you can imagine, this makes for an intensely uncomfortable time for my husband and me, to the point where we no longer want to socialize with them as a couple.
My husband thinks we should just continue to ignore her venting. I want to tell her either that we now charge for couple’s therapy or that if she’s going to continue in that vein, she’ll have to go home (or we will, if we’re out together).
I’d like to get your thoughts about how to handle this.
– At a Loss for Words
At a Loss for Words: This social dynamic sounds like your own unfortunate staging of a living room production of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” so I’m going to refer to this couple as “Martha” and “George.”
Martha is creating an uncomfortable situation for everyone at the table. Why would you ignore it? She’s not shy about belittling her partner in public, so maybe you should be less shy about reacting honestly to it.
Because this is a pattern with a clear perpetrator, you should call her out. Before agreeing to see them again, one — or both — of you should tell Martha, “We enjoy spending time with both of you, but Martha, the way you speak to George when we’re together makes us very uncomfortable. We are bewildered by it and feel bad for him.”
If alcohol seems to be a factor in fueling her rage, then you should also bring this up.
Ideally, your husband would try to speak with George privately, to check in and ask how he feels about this verbal abuse, and the relationship overall. Men often seem to find this difficult (your husband obviously does), but they must find ways to discuss their relationships and support one another.
(Originally published in September, 2022)
Update, from “At a Loss for Words”: Dear Amy, in your answer was one of your funniest lines ever (the “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” reference).
As with most problems, I think we know what we should do to solve them, but it is nice/good to get affirmation.
Your advice to sharpen my point (if a gentle rebuff didn’t work), and your example of what to say was very helpful.
I’m the kind of person that thinks of the right things to say two hours after the conversation is over! I also appreciate how your loyal readers give advice, too.
I always love stories from people who have dealt with a similar situation.
You frequently tell letter writers that some things are none of their business.
I use this unsolicited advice often, saying to myself, “What would Amy say?” when I feel like being a buttinski.
– Still at A Loss
Dear Still: When I face my own dilemmas, I sometimes write myself a letter. (I’m a lot smarter on paper.)
I have found this to be an extremely effective way to handle my own problems. I ask myself, honestly, what I would advise a reader to do, and then I try to be as brave as I often encourage readers to be. (I guess this is my own version of “What would Amy say?”)
This can help to clarify options, including, of course, the option of choosing not to be a buttinski.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
