Dear Amy: I recently found out that my husband of 15 years has been cheating off and on for five years. He just ended a five-month relationship with a woman he met at a bar.
I unearthed this situation when I discovered a text message from her.
He wined and dined her, slept with her often — during his lunch break from work, used work excuses to spend the night in hotels with her, and even took her on vacation while he was at a bachelor party in Mexico.
In total, he claims he has kissed two women, visited a prostitute, and had this most recent relationship.
Since coming clean, he has quit drinking, has been attending AA meetings and has been seeing a psychologist.
He promises he has changed and that he will devote the rest of his life to me and our kids, who are in middle school.
He has been a decent dad up until this point and our kids adore him.
I work in social work and see the effects of divorce on children.
I am tempted to keep the status quo until our kids are older, but I also judge myself for staying with someone who has treated me this way.
I know this sounds insane, but I believe him when he says he won’t cheat again and that he’s committed to change.
Of course, I can’t imagine ever being intimate with him ever again (and he is asking to restart that aspect of our lives).
– Unsure
Dear Unsure: You don’t mention two things that I believe you need to do: Get tested for STDs, and engage in intensive marriage counseling with your husband and professional support for yourself.
In terms of your harsh self-judgment in choosing to stay with this unfaithful and unreliable man, I will say this: in many ways, it is much easier to leave than to stay. You’re choosing the harder path.
I’d caution that your husband is at risk for a relapse, in which case you will have to revisit your choice. “Trust but verify” should be your motto.
No one – including you – should judge a person’s efforts to preserve a marriage and family.
Dear Amy: I have caused a huge riff in our family.
I was supposed to keep a secret for “Niece A” and unintentionally blurted it out at a family function.
This led to “Niece B” running out and buying a house before Niece A did, which upstaged Niece A, causing her to be very upset.
Then I told Niece A that the house Niece B bought was crap (a foreclosure), not knowing that B’s father was standing right behind me.
Now both families are upset with me.
I’ve apologized and tried to make amends with Niece A, but she is standoffish, and her parents are upset with me.
I’m very upset with myself for letting the cat out of the bag for Niece A, but obviously I had no idea that B would upstage her like that.
The two families have been jealous of each other for a long time.
When there is a family get-together, there is a lot of tension. The two cousins avoid each other and don’t appear to be speaking.
I feel this is all my fault, though the tension has been building for years between the two families.
How do I fix this?
– Big Mouth
Dear Big Mouth: The way to fix this is to learn to modulate your behavior and – when around family members to always behave as if your utterances might be broadcast and shared.
The way to build trust is to behave consistently, judiciously, and discreetly. This is a tall order – for anyone, but especially for you, and it takes practice.
You are not responsible for the long-running negative dynamic between these various family members. Given the tension between them, you provided a handy target by inserting yourself into their drama.
The only good news is that after they’ve figuratively “shot the messenger” (you), their shared animus toward you might actually bring them closer together. You may need to apologize again and individually to the people you’ve offended. After that, let things lie.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Stuck in the Middle,” about grandparents who continued to push their grandson toward college and fields he wasn’t interested in, even though he was already working and doing well.
I wonder if these grandparents understand that, underneath their “love and concern,” they are bullies.
– Been There
Dear Been There: Well said.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
