DEAR ABBY: I have a relative who lives in the same city I live in. Her parents and mine exchanged holiday dinners for decades. Our parents passed away many years ago, and I continued to include her for holiday dinners. I consider her a good friend and we share many interests.
During COVID, we started to have dinner every weekend to support local restaurants, and we enjoyed the evenings when nearly all entertainment venues were closed. Now the shows and sports activities I enjoy have resumed, and our weekly dinners are interfering with the outdoor activities I prefer.
She’s retired, and I still work, so my free time is limited during weekends. I feel pressured and must leave my events early in order to resume these dinners. Many of her close friends have passed away over the past couple of years, and she seems increasingly dependent upon me for companionship. She suggests many other events and trips during the week.
I’m concerned my lack of enthusiasm may eventually offend her. She knows my weekly schedule because of our frequent dinners and keeps track of my work schedule. I’m beginning to feel more trapped now that the COVID restrictions have been lifted. What can I do? — OBLIGATED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR OBLIGATED: Tell your relative the truth. Your schedule has changed since COVID, and you want to be able to pursue the activities you enjoyed before they were curtailed. It should not be “offensive.” Speak up, and the truth will set you free. (While you’re at it, suggest some activities she might enjoy that will enable her to make some new friends.)
DEAR ABBY: I have grown children, ages 51 and 43, who argue and hate each other because of their heavy drinking. My older son is an alcoholic. The younger one is on the same path. When they are drunk, they fight really bad, and it’s tearing me apart.
I don’t want to be here anymore. They take all their frustrations out on me. Each one blames the other. It’s a mother’s worst nightmare. The older one lives with me, and the younger one threatens me that he’s not coming to visit because his brother is here. They are very jealous of each other. Please advise me. — DOWNHEARTED MOTHER IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR MOTHER: Draw the line. You are not helpless, and you don’t have to put up with your sons’ misbehavior. Find a chapter of Al-Anon and start attending the meetings for moral support. Tell your battling “boys” you will no longer tolerate alcohol in YOUR home.
While you’re at it, make sure they know you have had your fill of their sibling rivalry, and if they can’t settle their differences like adults, you do not want them over there. Be sure your older son knows that if he doesn’t comply AND get help to sober up, he will have to find another place to live.
Your younger son should also be told you want to see him only when he’s sober. Whatever happens after that will be better than the chaos in which you are living.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
