Dear Annie: My ex-husband died several weeks ago in hospice. We have a daughter together who fell out with him years ago and has not seen or spoken to him in at least 10 years. In the meantime, our son and a daughter he had from a previous marriage had been taking care of him, and my son was doing all his yard work, too.
So, when the older daughter called our daughter to tell her he did not have long to live, she drove 15 hours to see him for the last two hours of his life. The issue is, she brought some guy with her who no one had met and brought him in the room as her father died.
My son was so mad at her and was so uncomfortable with a stranger in the room that he could not get close to his father like he wanted to, to hold him while he died. I think that bringing the man there was totally uncalled for and really rude on her part.
She said she needed a support person. No one else brought a “support animal” to his death bed. She may as well have brought popcorn, too. I haven’t seen this man for 15 years, and this makes me upset. What do you think? — Upset in Maryland
Dear Upset in Maryland: Try to see things from your daughter’s perspective. Her estranged father is dying. That is painful. It makes sense that she wants someone there to support her, hold her and comfort her while she struggles with some undoubtedly very complex feelings.
I don’t see how this man’s presence gets in the way of your son holding his father while he died. That seems to be a choice your son made on his own. Perhaps he is hurting and looking for someone to blame. You should encourage your children to come together in this time of grief, rather than looking for reasons to push them farther apart.
Dear Annie: I found out about seven years ago that my ex-husband had spent eight years sexually abusing my daughter. She was finally able to report it, and he is serving time in prison. Unfortunately, it always happened when I was not home, and I never knew anything about it until the day he was arrested.
My daughter and I have talked extensively and have been able to make great progress through this. The only thing that is holding us up is that she still doesn’t feel safe being alone with me. I can understand this because I was supposed to be the one person who would protect her. But on the flip side, I was unaware it was even going on.
She is currently in therapy. She also knows that I would do anything to protect her — now. Do you have any advice for me that I can do to speed up her trust in me, or is this just something I need to give her all the time she needs to get there on her own? — Patiently Waiting Mom
Dear Patiently Waiting Mom: It sounds like you already know the answer.
Your daughter has been through a lot. Aside from consistently and unequivocally stating your love and support for her, and making yourself available for conversations without getting defensive, this reconciliation needs to happen on her terms.
If you are struggling trying to communicate with your daughter or still coping with feelings of guilt, I would recommend therapy for you, too.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2022 CREATORS.COM
