Dear Annie: I am a widow with a grown son and daughter. We have always been a close-knit family. However, for the last year, I have only had one visit of two hours from my daughter. The previous year, I saw her a few times. She has grown children and is a grandmother of three. She is divorced due to infidelity on the part of her husband. I have always been there for her and have helped her financially.
I have talked with her about her absence, and she said that I have not done anything to cause any problems between us. My son is the only child who lives in the same town as me. He has been of tremendous help.
I have been depressed about not spending time with her and my grandchildren. I have not seen her children in three years. They work; two are married and have children. I have an almost 2-year-old great-grandchild who I have never seen. At Christmas, I did not hear from any of her four children. Not a card or a call. I have always remembered them at birthdays and Christmas. Her two married daughters are both expecting babies.
In the past, I would visit them. However, I am no longer driving. I recently had hip replacement surgery and have to use a walker. As a result, I am pretty much homebound. I have someone to get my groceries and who takes me to the doctor and beauty shop and who comes to clean.
At first, I was concerned, and then I was angry. I am not angry now; I am sad. I never would have thought she would act this way.
She is seeing someone, and I think she spends a great deal of time with him. They go to church together, to the movies, on bike rides, etc.
He did come with her last year to visit for about two hours with me.
Do you have any suggestions? — A Mother
Dear A Mother: I applaud your psychological awareness of how your anger turned into sadness. Sometimes, when we are too angry at a family member for not meeting certain expectations that we place on them, it can serve as a larger wedge between the two of you. But to admit that your feelings are hurt and that you are sad is huge. Tell your daughter how you feel. Maybe you could visit her and your grandchildren and great-grandchildren more as your hip heals.
Sit back and try to focus on the positives in your life. Your son sounds very kind and attentive, and you have a GREAT-grandchild. Now just make the effort to go visit.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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