Dear Annie: My boyfriend and I get along amazingly well, and we have lots of interests that we share. But I do not understand his favoritism to his 40-year-old daughter. She has never lived on her own. She was married but still lived there — with her father — and had two children. She is now divorced but still living at home. She is an alcoholic.
The only thing my boyfriend and I disagree on is how he caters to her. He pays for everything in the house, and she has access to his checking account. She and her two teenage children live the life of luxury. He does the cleaning, dishes, mowing and snow removal all by himself. He doesn’t even eat there; he eats with me at my place. He transports them to places constantly. He never ever says no to them. They say jump, and he says how high!
While he has another daughter who lives in another state, he treats her differently. If she needs help with anything, he complains. She is married and has two children.
I have been dating him for 2 1/2 years, and the only thing we have ever disagreed on was his daughter who lives with him.
She hasn’t liked me from day one. I am not allowed at his house because she’s in control of him, and he, at age 68, is so afraid of her and doesn’t want to make her upset because she flips out. He walks on eggshells. He changes our schedule to accommodate her, and I feel like I’m his second choice all the time.
Communication is not an option because he keeps his feelings deep inside and won’t talk about them. He has never told me he loves me; he just says if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t still be with me.
I ask him, “Why do you keep living this way?” and his answer is, “I grew up without a father, and I love my daughter and the two grandkids,” who are now 15 and 19. He says they are at an age where they need him because of the way their mother is. I’ve told him he should care more about teaching them responsibility and life lessons and not just spoiling them financially. He is just creating two more narcissists by living life for them. I’ve asked him what is going to happen when he is gone and the three have never learned to live on their own. He just says he won’t be here to know. How sad is that?
I have three adult children of my own, and he sees how independent and successful they are, and how they have a huge amount of respect for me.
But he just doesn’t get it. I don’t understand how a man could love one daughter more than the other, unless it’s all a control thing. The one who lives with him is a full-blown narcissist, and I keep asking myself if the great times we have together are worth it. I was married to a narcissist, and it’s a bad life to live. He is a great man, but am I wasting my life? — Always Second in Life
Dear Always Second: The first thing that has to happen is to get your boyfriend’s daughter treatment for her alcoholism. She can’t feel great about herself drinking and letting her father raise her two children. With that said, if you love this man, then you should ideally love (or at least show kindness) to his whole family. I don’t hear a lot of empathy in your letter; I hear a lot of name-calling and complaining.
If you really love your boyfriend, take him to an Al-Anon meeting, which will give him more information on how to proceed best with his daughter and grandchildren. But telling him what a wonderful job you did with your children, and then being so judgmental about the pain that his daughter is living with, is not kind.
If his life situation upsets you that much, then maybe you are wasting your time and should find someone who doesn’t have as much baggage.
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