Going Out With Jake Cornell: I Have to Leave Right Now (w/ Colin Rourke & Garrett Williams)

This week, Jake goes out with comedians Colin Rourke and Garrett Williams. The three discuss jazz clubs, white gay guys named Matt, and the art of the Irish exit.

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Jake Cornell: How was your week? Oh wait. I remembered. No one had to tell me to intro the episode. Welcome to another episode of Going Out With Jake Cornell. As always, I’m Jake Cornell, and this is my co-host for the intros and producer — Keith hit a button and it distracted me, that’s Keith’s fault — friend, Katie Brown.

Katie Brown: Hey, everybody.

J: How was your weekend?

K: It was good. I was in D.C.

J: You never stay in New York. I guess it’s summer.

K: Keith is very excited that I was in D.C.

J: Why?

K: Because he used to live in D.C. and he loves it there, and he had a lot of good recs for me. I did go to the restaurant you told me to go to, Keith.

J: What was the restaurant called?

K: I don’t remember. What was it called?

Keith Beavers: Farmers & Distillers.

K: No, no, no, the other one. The Mediterranean one.

Keith: Oh, Zen something.

K: Zen something.

J: All right.

K: A Mediterranean restaurant in D.C. called Zen something.

J: Okay gorg.

K: It was delightful and they had really good Assyrtiko. But otherwise, we were just partying. It was my friend’s birthday, so I went there. But yeah, you’re right, I literally am never here this summer. I mean, not that it’s any better in D.C., but it’s just really gross in New York weather-wise.

J: I’m truly pulling up my calendar because I know you’re going to ask me what I did this weekend and I’m like, I don’t remember.

K: Oh my God, that’s okay.

J: Oh, I do remember now.

K: What did you do?

J: Okay. So I went to my friend’s for a roof party in Williamsburg. I got to meet their dogs which was very fun. My friends, Brian and Mark, threw a roof party. It was very, very fun.

K: That is fun. What kind of dogs did they have? Like big dogs?

J: Yeah, Chesapeake Bay Retriever.

K: I don’t know what that is but I love it.

J: It’s like a chocolate lab but their fur is the texture of a brillo pad. It’s like they have very coarse hair. It reminds me very specifically of these pads that came with this wooden spoon I got sent.

K: Okay. Relatable.

J: I got sent a wooden spoon by Andy Baraghani that had a special pad that you clean it with, that is really good for getting sh*t off pots. It’s really good at getting stuff off, so I keep it by my thing. And this Chesapeake Bay retriever had the same texture of fur.

K: Like wiry almost?

J: Like wiry and coarse, yeah.

K: Okay. Love, love, love.

J: Yes, but she’s beautiful. Her name’s Dolly.

K: Oh my God, Dolly.

J: And then we went to Kellogg’s Diner after, which I hadn’t been to in a long time. So that was very fun.

K: That is fun.

J: Are you a diner girl? I feel like diners are less exciting when you’re vegetarian. Is that fair?

K: Probably, but I do like a diner. I like being in a diner for… Because I’m vegetarian but I love bread products. I’ll chow down on some pancakes late night. I really like buttermilk pancakes.

J: Sure. But we went to the Kellogg’s after and we all got chicken tenders, but we split in order of cheesy. We ordered what we thought were loaded waffle fries, and what was brought to us… Adam on camera, does he know this is being videoed?

K: I think that’s why he is doing it.

J: Great. The waffle fries, what we were sent was a mound of waffle fries that had four Kraft American Singles laid on topic of it and then it had just been-

K: Melted?

J: Placed under a broiler for two seconds to wilt them. It was wilted Kraft American on waffle fries. And my friend Steven who ordered them was like, “I can’t even look at this. This is so upsetting to me that this happened.”

K: My boyfriend told me… So he and I talk a lot about the fact that we grew up pretty differently in terms of how our families functioned. I am Jewish, my mom is the typical Jewish mom in terms of food. His family is very much grab something out of the fridge, there’s food, whatever, you can make your own lunch. But Blake was the youngest by a lot. He has two older siblings but they’re both a lot older.

J: When you’re youngest by a lot you’re a feral child. You’re raised by the earth.

K: Literally.

J: You are raised truly by the wolves, the earth, the wind, it is wild.

K: 100 percent. So Kraft Singles became what he would eat for breakfast every morning. He would grab a Kraft Single and that was the breakfast he would “make” himself for school when he was 10.

J: If he was going to be gay when he was younger, that made him straight. He might be the one… Normally I’m like, that’s what made them gay. I’m like, that’s what made him straight. If there’s ever a chance he was going to be gay, eating that for breakfast every morning literally squeegied any amount of queerness out of his body. That is so crazy that that is what he ate.

K: Yeah, gay people aren’t allowed to have Kraft Singles actually.

J: I do feel like I know nothing about the person who owns Kraft, but just statistically there is an 80 percent chance that he’s like “Damn right!”

K: I feel like it wasn’t Kraft, but there’s definitely I think maybe it was Kellogg’s or something, one of those brands was invented so that people would stop masturbating and just eat more cereal or something.

J: What?

K: Yeah, that’s actually kind of true. You should look it up. It’s actually kind of true.

J: Keith, can you get on Google and start looking up that whisper of a fact?

K: Look up Kellogg’s Cereal masturbating.

J: Masturbation. You’re about to see some nasty f*cking sh*t I’ll tell you that right now.

K: I’m 80 percent sure that there’s something.

J: You’re about to see some extra Special K. This is really funny to me. Okay.

K: Oh my God. Otherwise, anything else that you’re…

J: Wait, do you f*ck with breakfast cereal?

K: Yes, I love it.

J: I can’t buy breakfast cereal because I’ll eat the whole box.

K: Oh, because you’ll eat the whole thing. Hold on.

J: Wait, give it back to Keith, he would just need you to unlock the computer.

K: Okay.

J: Wait, while he looks at, what breakfast cereals do you f*ck with?

K: Okay. So I’m not really a fan of- I don’t want them to be super sweet. I’m not going to have Cap’n Crunch, but I will really f*ck around. Am I right? I’m right.

J: Wait, I thought that was the reaction to Cap’n Crunch. Wait, Keith, what is it?

Keith: Headline: “Cornflakes were part of an anti-masturbation crusade.” It’s an article in Mental Floss from 2018.

J: Wait, can I see this?

Keith: Yeah.

J: Hold on. This is not real.

Katie: Anyways, so.

J: Cornflakes. The most unhorny thing I’ve ever heard of in my life.

K: Yeah. I think they made them boring so people would stop being horny. I’m pretty sure I’m right.

J: Do you talk about the sweet…

K: For one second I was like, “Did I make that up?” But I’m really glad I didn’t because why would I make that up in my stupid little brain? I don’t love overly sweet, but some… Okay. Maybe this is really weird of me, but some Snap, Crackle, Pop Rice Krispies I f*ck with. I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

J: Cinnamon Toast Crunch I think is one of the most number one. It’s an incredible invention of humankind.

K: Frosted Mini Wheats.

J: Those bang, those really bang. And do you know what I think is a classic but does somehow still get overlooked? Honey Nut Cheerios.

K: So good.

J: A really unbelievable product.

K: So good. Well, yeah. You’re right, Honey Nut Cheerios are really good but regular Cheerios are absolutely disgusting to me.

J: Regular Cheerios?

K: There’s no flavor. It’s so bland. I don’t get it.

Keith: No masturbation there.

K: No, definitely part of that whole masturbation thing.

J: Okay. This is so f*cked up. I was like, “This will be a fun story to read,” but I’m actually reading this.

K: No, it’s actually so f*cked up.

J: This guy was viciously anti-sex. Mr. Kellogg, his name was John Harvey Kellogg. He never had sex in his life. He thought it was disgusting. He and his wife never consummated their marriage and adopted all their children. Jesus Christ.

K: And that’s why gay people can’t have Kraft, actually.

J: But he was obsessed with eating healthy to prevent sex or something. Something about this is that he recommended a treatment where he had people use an enema, which is like douching, and then they had to consume a pint of yogurt half through their mouth and half through ass. I’m handing this computer back, I don’t want to read about this anymore.

K: You’re welcome, everybody, for that fun fact of the day.

J: Imagine coming home and being like, “Hey babe, how are you feeling?” And he’s like “Sorry, I just crushed a bowl of cornflakes.” That’s so f*cked up.

K: That’s really f*cked up. Oh my God.

J: Yeah, I can’t buy cereal because I’ll eat the whole box. I mean, all of it. Golden Grahams, another really underrated cereal, Golden Grahams. But I can’t eat any of those. Yeah, in general, this is annoying but breakfast is one of the only foods I feel like I have total control over in terms of when I wake up in the morning and I have time to eat it because I don’t work early in the morning. So I’m like, this one needs to be healthy because it’s the only one I’m not going to be under pressure to do, do you know what I mean?

K: Yeah.

J: So I try to be really healthy about breakfast so that by lunch, if we’re entering carnage, it’s like at least I had beans for breakfast or yogurt.

K: Oh my God. Yeah, that’s not how I am with breakfast.

J: I respect that.

K: Because I’m not really a huge breakfast eater. I more so just like coffee in the morning, but if I’m going to eat breakfast, it’s going to be my dream breakfast. If I’m going to do it, I’m having pancakes or a big bagel with all the stuff on it.

J: Do you know that I can’t eat bagels? I can’t eat bagels. It’s a whole thing.

K: Which part of it can you not eat?

J: The whole thing.

K: Well, you’re not gluten free? And are you dairy free?

J: No, I’m not anything free except shrimp because I’m allergic to shrimp because of one time my throat closed, and that’s not even confirmed. I just didn’t feel like getting an allergy test but my throat closed.

K: Shrimp isn’t even that good.

J: That’s my whole thing, shrimp is the most overrated seafood. I love all other seafood.

K: It’s veiny and disgusting.

J: It pisses me off.

K: I don’t like shrimp.

J: But so, I don’t do shrimp because my throat closed one time. Who knows if it would be a second time. I did not take an allergy test. And then I don’t eat bagels because they really upset my stomach. And the only thing I can think of is… Because gluten doesn’t bother me at all and neither does dairy really. I think it’s barley. Because bagels have barley syrup in and that’s what makes them bagels. Basically I get this stomach ache that hurts so bad and then also, this sounds gross but the way my breath tastes changes. I can taste something in my breath that feels like something’s happening in my stomach that’s bad, and it’s when I eat bagels. And funny enough, it’s also when I eat certain cereals. Number one culprit, Honey Bunches of Oats, which I looked up, has barley in it.

K: Wait, can you have beer?

J: Yes.

K: Isn’t beer made with barley?

J: But maybe when it’s fermented it’s different? The thing is I don’t like to talk about it enough because talking about your food intolerances is annoying because I didn’t do the science to actually tell you for sure what it is. All I know is that if I eat a bagel, it f*cks my day up. So now when we go to a bagel place, I get a sandwich on a roll.

K: Have you ever had a bialy?

J: Nate eats bialys almost every morning for breakfast.

K: I’m pretty sure those don’t have the barley and stuff on it.

J: Yeah they don’t.

K: And I think they’re actually better.

J: I love a bialy.

K: I love a bialy. We used to get them a lot as a kid.

J: Do people use a bialy for a sandwich? I feel like people just eat bialy on their own.

K: That’s so not true, Jake.

J: Is it not?

K: No, it’s not true. Here’s what you do with a bialy. You toast it, you put a lot of butter on it and then white fish salad and whatever other toppings and it’s really f*cking good.

J: That sounds really good. I do love white fish. Wait, so you’re pesc?

K: I’m pesc, yes. Well, I kind of go back and forth. I’ve been a vegetarian, pescatarian. I don’t want to label myself, you know?

J: Yeah, but no meat.

K: We grow, we change. Sometimes I eat a roll of sushi and it turns me off to fish for a couple months.

J: Because it made you sick or?

K: No, sometimes I just eat fish and it’s gross and I can’t explain it and it’s like I don’t want to eat fish for a while. And then I’ll see it and it looks appealing again and I’ll start eating it again. I don’t know. I think that sometimes fish… Oh, the phone died.

J: The phone died. That’s fine.

K: I think sometimes fish can taste…

J: Do you want to just throw it on the chargers so it’s alive for Patrick’s?

K: The next one, thank you. Fish can taste really fishy sometimes, crazy enough.

J: Absolutely.

K: But yeah, so for example, sometimes salmon tastes just really good and fresh and then sometimes to me it tastes like…

J: But that’s all food, that’s literally all food.

K: Yeah, I know. But fish, I think because it’s the only thing I eat that was once alive and then it f*cks with me and then I’m like, “I don’t want to eat this, it’s not right.” Anyway, I think that’s just because I started doing vegetarian sh*t since I was like a kid, so it’s just more ingrained.

J: That makes sense. I feel like I should go vegetarian because bad hearts run in my family and I have high cholesterol. I don’t know what’s going to happen if I’m being perfectly honest.

K: You’re too much of a foodie.

J: Don’t call me that.

K: But you are.

J: I interpret foodie as a slur. I really do. I interpret foodie as a slur. When I was working, especially when I worked at Rosemary’s, when I worked at Rosemary’s, someone would be like, “I’m a foodie.” I’d be like, “This is going to be a really bad hour for me.” The minute they said that, while sitting at the bar, I was like, “This is not going to be a good hour.” Because it’s also like they never were. It’s like if you make six modifications to a dish because you don’t like a bunch of stuff, hey, sweetie, you’re not a foodie. Also, what is a foodie?

K: It’s also an annoying thing, everybody eats.

J: No, 100 percent. There’s people who make their whole personality about liking something. People who love to travel are the most annoying people on the planet.

K: Wanderlust.

J: Yeah. Literally the most annoying people on the planet.

K: Not all who wander are lost.

J: Can I just say this? People who actually love to travel really annoy me. I’m like, go home and make your life better. What are you running from? Do you know what I mean? Literally, go home, clean your room and make a friend who lives in the goddamn same city as you. Am I being a d*ck? I just don’t-

K: No, you’re not. I feel that way. I also feel immensely jealous of whoever those people are that just travel and don’t seem to have jobs?

J: Do you? Yeah. No, they suck. They’re running from an emptiness, 100 percent. If they just have nothing to work for.

K: Like all the contestants on The Bachelor.

J: Oh, 100 percent.

K: So, there’s a new season.

J: With two bachelorettes.

K: With two bachelorettes. I don’t really watch. I haven’t watched it in a really long time.

J: I haven’t watched in years and years and years.

K: But last night, I went over to my friend Brooke’s house, from high school, and she was watching and I was like, I don’t know, I don’t really watch this.

J: This is how it happens though. You’re going to be sucked in.

K: Well, here’s why I’m going to be sucked in. The first episode aired last week or whatever, and she was like, “There’s this one guy, he’s like…” My friend, Brooke, by the way, is the most gorgeous person.

J: Like could be on The Bachelor?

K: Could be a model, whatever. She’s gorgeous and she saw this guy in the first episode and was like, “I am obsessed with him. He’s so hot. I have a crush on him.” And it’s so early on in the season and there’s so many people left that the guys actually don’t really have a lot of followers yet.

J: Is she DM’ing with him?

K: Yeah, so she followed him. He followed her right back and they’ve been DM’ing. And so-

J: What if he wins The Bachelor? What if he’s the winner?

K: I mean, I feel like he can’t make it that far because they probably have rules about DM’ing.

J: I feel like this has been a scandal on bachelor before, like he won, but he was DM’ing girls. Sorry, anyway.

K: That’s true, that’s true.

J: Okay, so she’s DM’ing with him.

K: Yeah. So we were watching and I was like, “This’ll be the most fun way to make this season interesting for ourselves.”

J: Oh, 100 percent.

K: We were just DM’ing him sh*t he said because one of the first things he said in the episode we watched, they all had to do like a beauty pageant, a male beauty pageant, and they had to have a talent. And so he says, “To become a butterfly, you must first…” Or wait. It was like, “To be a butterfly, you must first be a worm.” And then he did the worm. And we’re watching, we’re like, “Wait, that’s actually not even true.”

J: No, it’s really not.

K: This is not even the case. So she DM’ed him was like, “By the way, caterpillars turn into butterflies, not worms.” He was like, “Oh, I don’t know.” And we were just dying laughing. He was like, “Oh, are you just going to sh*t on me the whole season?” She was like, “Yeah.”

J: I just don’t get why people who are born conventionally attractive with the privilege of money and success, because they were born into it and live in Nantucket or whatever are like, “I’m going to go on national TV and degrade myself.” It’s like, bro, you won. Go leave everyone alone and get on a boat. What are you doing?

K: Yeah. I think that it’s the people that… Well also, they don’t really show their jobs anymore. They used to do it and now the jobs are just a joke.

J: Well, because I think it’s just so clear that people want to get on this show and have a career as an influencer. That is like the path.

K: Right. None of them care about whatever they’re doing now. It’s always so confusing to me though when someone’s randomly on the show and is a doctor or has a real job at home. I’m like, how are you going to go back and have people want to be your patient as a former Bachelor contestant?

J: Well, if you’re a plastic surgeon, I actually think that’s a genius move because I feel like a lot of people would be like I’m going to go get plastic surgery from like Dr. Greg or whatever. But it’s like, yeah. I mean like my cardiologist, absolutely not. But I guess plastic surgery, whatever. But it’s also like, I just think honestly what happens is people are sold this lie of go to high school, go to college, work hard and then you’ll get the career of your dreams and you’re happy. And then people do that and go, especially people who go to medical school are freaks, let’s be real. The biggest freaks you knew in college were pre-med.

K: My boyfriend was…

J: Oh I forgot your boyfriend’s in med school. Just the amount of work it takes is psychotic, it’s psychotic.

K: And he is psycho. He’s psycho.

J: Yeah. So then basically my point is that it’s just absolutely crazy and… Sorry, I just noticed that our next guest is also here. So we have to wrap up. But it’s-

K: He’s a kind of doctor you’ll love, by the way. He’s doing research on ketamine and its effect on depression, which you’ve talked about on the show multiple times.

J: What I was saying is, okay, not everyone who goes to medical school is crazy but some people are crazy. But my point is, I think a lot of people think and then I’m going to be a doctor, it’s going to be amazing and then they do it for two years and they’re like, f*ck this. I want to be an influencer. Do you know what I mean? They just want a job that feels easier because being a doctor’s hard. That’s what I’m saying. Anyway, we have an amazing episode for you. We literally just recorded. It was so fun. This was one of my two dear friends. They are both hilarious comedians. You can find them on TikTok, on Instagram. You can find Garrett @badboygargar. I always think it’s because his name’s Garrett. And then, Colin Rourke is under @ballin_rourke. Please enjoy me going out with Garrett Williams and Colin Rourke. I had to leave my mom at Penn Station to wait for an Amtrak to do this episode. So if she calls, stop the recording.

Garrett Williams: Something horrible has happened.

J: I said, “I won’t turn my phone off. Just call.”

K: Your phone is on airplane mode though.

J: Turn it off airplane mode.

Colin O’Rourke: Wait, do you just keep it on airplane mode for no reason?

J: No, I think I must have just subconsciously done it when I handed it to Katie to charge it.

C: A travesty.

J: A travesty. But I need to be able to get in touch with my mom when I record that. Gorg. And then is the audio recording?

K: It is, yeah.

J: It’s hot.

C: It’s hot.

G: It’s so hot.

J: Keith needs his water bottle. No, it’s fine. Literally hand it out. I don’t give a sh*t.

C: Oh my God.

K: He’s looking at me like…

J: This isn’t Dorinda. It’s not like it’s one of the celebrities where I have to be like… Not that I value you guys less.

C: It sounds like you do.

J: When I’m telling you, anytime it’s one of my friends, the recording and the pre-goes seamlessly. Anytime it’s anyone that’s remotely famous or busy or was hard to get, there’s always a fire. There’s always a fire, every single time.

G: Well, and famously there was a fire with us too, but we are very easy to rebook.

C: Famously, we are open.

G: Yeah, famously, our schedules are free.

J: You are technically the first repeat guests of this podcast.

G: Yes.

J: No one will ever. It actually would be funny to release the original audio because what happened was, your internet kept on freezing for us and my internet kept freezing for you. But what we didn’t know at the time was that none of the audio recordings froze.

G: Oh, so it’s just us being like hold.

J: Oh okay, it’s frozen. Garrett stopped talking, it’s frozen. And then it’s me being like, it froze again. But you’ll say a full answer and then we’ll be like, “Okay, Garrett, repeat that. None of that recorded.” And then you say it again, but it’s like both did record. But it’s actually really disturbing because you guys are both good actors. So you will earnestly say a sentence off the cuff and then I’ll be like, “Repeat that,” and you’re like, “Okay.” And then you do it again and it’s like you guys are serial killer level.

G: We’re just repeating. Absolutely right.

C: I’ll use that for my reel.

G: Absolutely.

J: Thank you so much for doing the show.

G: I’m so happy to be here.

C: Thank you for having us.

J: Garrett and Colin, two friends. Are we at six months in New York? Where are we at?

G: Honey, we’re at eight.

C: We’re at eight.

G: We’re New Yorkers. And honey, it’s taken about 10 years off my life.

C: Absolutely right. I’m going to die so early now.

G: Yeah, probably this year.

J: Wait, do you sincerely mean that? Has moving to New York been hard?

G: No, I’ve had an amazing time. It’s just my body really feels it.

J: And you feel similarly?

C: I have had maybe a bit of a tougher time.

G: Usually kind of will put you to the wash cycle.

C: Yeah. Every time I think I’m hitting rock bottom, I’m grabbing a shovel and digging a little deeper.

G: Yeah.

J: And there’s nothing like a friend who’s loving it living with you to make it feel better.

C: It’s completely two opposite experiences. But I love it. I’m just going through hell and back, but I’m on my feet again.

J: Garrett’s time will come. Garrett’s time will come.

G: It is coming fast.

C: Garrett’s time came right before we left.

G: Yes. I had a bad time in Chicago and so I came here and was like, “Oh I finally got a job.”

C: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

J: Were you struggling to find a job in Chicago and then we got to New York and it was better?

G: I wasn’t struggling, I just wasn’t looking.

J: Oh my God. I love that.

G: Very separate things. Yeah, yeah.

J: I love that.

G: Yeah. Well, they were the unemployment rents till September. And I said, well, then September’s when I’ll find a job.

J: 100 percent, 100 percent.

G: We need to get you vaccinated from monkeypox? Because that’s what’s coming next.

J: Oh yeah. Did you get yours?

C: No. He said that as if he is vaccinated.

G: No, no, no. Okay. I’m going to go ahead and say it’s a crime. When they were like, “There’s more appointments at 6 p.m. on a Friday,” and it’s affecting gay men mostly. It’s like, 6 p.m. on a Friday? Babe, I’m out. I’m drinking already.

C: I was at my computer.

J: Wait, I genuinely mean this. The next time they do a drop, I already have been vaccinated. I will try to get you. I will get on a computer.

C: We’ve been trying so hard.

J: It’s like trying to get concert tickets.

C: Well, I didn’t know that I had to choose a slot right away. So I was looking at addresses, typing them in Google Maps and like, “what kind of transportation can I take there?” And I went downtown and I was like, “Well, that’s all gone.”

G: You just got to find a way there.

J: It’s the same system they did for the Covid system. And I will tell you that my first Covid dose was administered to me on Staten Island. If that tells you anything about where you get to choose your location.

C: I got about 20 people vaccinated in Chicago.

G: Yeah, the weekend I was gone.

J: I was addicted to getting people Covid appointments. And I did get one of my friends a Monkeypox appointment and it was… The high is there. When I got the appointment for my friend and I was like, here’s your Monkeypox appointment, I got a high that I can’t explain to you because I didn’t get to drink my own appointment because I waited in the line the first day.

C: We should have done that.

J: Four hours.

C: Oh my God. Oh, Jesus.

J: And I got one of the last doses.

G: Congratulations.

J: Huge for me.

C: Some people in the line didn’t get a dose?

J: So it’s actually really dark, and what happened was-

G: Sorry.

C: It was storming the whole day.

J: No, but I’ll give you a play-by-play of what happened. I woke up in the morning and there had been rumors that the monkeypox vaccine was going to be available that day. And then there was a post that was like, “This clinic is opening at 1.” I had a recording here at 1:30. The only clinic that was doing it was on 23rd and 8th or 25th and 8th, right over there. I thought I was on a C train, but I was on an A, so it brought me to Penn Station anyway. So then I was like, “Okay, well I have to walk by the clinic anyway to sort of do what’s going on.” When I walked by the clinic at 1, there were maybe 15 people in line and I look and I’m like, “There’s no way I can get in this line, get through it, and get here for 1:30 to do the episode.” And I was like, it’s cutting it so close. I texted the girl who I was interviewing that day, such a nice girl, and she was like, “I’m really sorry, I can’t do later.” And I was like, “Okay, it’s fine. I’ll just run after.” I’m like, “I’m sure it’ll be fine.” When I finish her interview, an hour and a half later, they’ve already tweeted there are no appointments available. They were like, “All the appointments are gone.” I was like, “I have to go over there to get the C train anyway, I’m just going to go.” So I go there, I get there. I’m like, there’s an insane amount of people. And I’m like, “What’s the deal? What’s the story?” She’s like, “All the appointments online are gone, this is the walk-in line.” They’re saying that there are no more walk-ins available, but we’re still letting people get in line with no guarantee of getting a vaccine. And I was like, okay, I’m going to get in the line. I get in the line with this other guy, my new friend Jacob who I literally am now friends with, we made friends in the monkeypox line.

C: Well, that’s fun.

J: We get in line. When we get in line, this woman’s like, “Why are you getting in line? There are no walk-ins left.” And we were like, “She said we can still wait in line.” And she was like, “Okay, fine, but there is no guarantee.” And we were like, “Okay, I would still like to not get monkeypox.” After about an hour of waiting… And then maybe 15 minutes later, another guy got in line with us. A couple more people have gotten in line, but I think a lot of people are getting at that point deterred by the narrative. This woman comes over and she’s like, “Hey, so just to fully explain this to you, you can wait in this line after you were not letting anyone else even get in line? You’re allowed to wait in line but you’re not guaranteed a vaccine.” And we were like, okay. And then the guy behind me and Jacob goes, “If you were us would you wait?” And she was like, “Yes.” And she whispered, “Yes.” And we were like, okay. So we waited but it was truly fresh hell, because then we got to watch for the next four hours every other person who was begging for a shot, not be allowed to get in line. So it was just the most depressing entertainment.

C: Yeah. I’d be like yeah, you can’t get in line.

J: And so then what happened was two hours into the wait they were like, “We can confirm there is 100 percent a dose for you but you have to wait until it’s ready to be administered.” And baby you know my show was at Union Hall that night at 7:30, Gorge Night. Not even I had a show, my show that I produced.

C: That you were hosting, yeah.

J: And I was like, it was getting so close that I had Sam Taggart on the show. And I was like, Sam, if I’m getting the monkeypox shot, can you host Gorge Night? At this point, I’m not trying to get pox.

C: Yeah, yeah.

J: I ended up finally getting in. This woman goes, wait, you’ll die, this is the best line of the whole day. I walk in, this nurse looks exhausted. She’s been giving gay men… Also, imagine all these people I’ve dealt with is gay men receiving what they perceive as, and because to be fair it was, bad customer service, which means they all turns their moms being like, “I was told online.” Literally, it’s like they’re rejecting a coupon. I just spit all over this mic. So these people are exhausted. God bless them, it’s not their fault that the health system is failing us. The nurse giving the vaccine she goes, “What’s your name?” And I go, “Jacob.” And she goes, “I couldn’t have handled another Matt.” I go, “There’s a lot of gay Matts.” And she goes, “There’s a lot of Jakes too but the Matt’s, it’s all Matt’s.” And I was like, “Yeah, it’s a lot of gay white Matt’s.” And then I ran and I walked in the door of Union Hall at 7:30 when my show started.

G: Incredible.

C: Congratulations.

G: That’s a hero’s journey, it really is.

J: It was a real hero’s journey. So I am vaccinated with one dose. I think we’ll get the second dose in early 2025 and that’ll be fine.

C: Did they say when you’re supposed to get the second dose?

J: Oh, I was supposed to already. I’m supposed to tomorrow. My 28 days is tomorrow.

C: They just don’t have enough at all?

J: Yeah. I called today because I’m doing Fringe, so I’m gone for a month. Next week I’m gone for a month. I called and I was like, hey, I guess their priority… I think it’s like the Covid vaccine where they say, the first dose gives you most of the protection, the second dose makes it last a long time. So I think just before they even think about second doses, they’re trying to get as many people first doses, which is fine.

G: Yeah. I would love to get a first dose too.

C: I’d love to get a first dose.

G: I’m not going to wait in line, too hot. I’m not and I won’t. I’ll get it when I get it.

C: Monkeypox?

J: You’ll get Monkeypox.

G: I mean, listen, it’s coming for me fast. I technically have never been diagnosed with Covid-19.

C: And keyword technically.

G: Technically by the standards of the law.

J: One time Colin was supposed to do my show, man and a woman, which is the show that’s going to Fringe. Colin is going to be featured in the fringe version as well. We have to record that this week. And on the day of the show, Colin had Covid.

C: I think I had Covid the whole week because I wasn’t feeling good and so then I got tested and it came-

J: Wait, we recorded this episode that week because I just listened before. When we scraped the episode, I listened. At the top of the episode Colin’s like, “My voice is killing me. It’s not Covid, but my throat hurts. I’m coughing and I’m tired.” And then two days later.

C: But I can’t taste or smell, but it’s not Covid. It came back inconclusive. But then the day of your show, I was starting to feel very bad. So I was like, I’m just going to go get a test to be sure. Garrett had similar symptoms throughout the week and I took a test at a facility. He took a test at home where there were no witnesses.

G: Do you think I would lie?

C: I think he blew on the test instead of putting it in his nose.

J: Okay. So ultimately Garrett did the show, and as far as we know, no one got Covid at the show?

G: No one got Covid from that show. Well, except for you.

J: Well, yeah. Yeah.

G: Yeah, but not from the show.

C: I couldn’t believe it. Yeah.

G: Yeah.

J: That was a tough one. But that was a great example of Garrett and I had a great night out that night.

G: Did we ever?

C: Amazing. Incredible.

J: Did we go to 3 Dollar Bill that night?

G: We did go to 3 Dollar Bill that night. Because that’s the night I met Oscar Isaac of course.

C: Yes, of course. The night I didn’t meet Oscar Isaac.

G: Because we were in the basement of Union Hall. I got a burger, delicious burgers from Union Hall.

J: Union Hall, sleeper hit. Union Hall has really good food.

G: Really good food.

C: I like the fries.

J: Yeah. Across the board. Yeah. Okay. Now that we’ve caught up on all of our different statuses of viruses. Chlamydia? Anyone have Chlamydia right now?

C: Not right now.

G: No, I just kind of got my full rap sheet back.

J: Because I just changed my prep thing and I’m doing this one where you get tested at home every three months and it’s kind of amazing.

G: Mister?

J: Mister.

G: I’m doing Mister.

J: I’m obsessed with Mister.

G: I like Mister.

C: Okay. So you told me about Mister and I did some research. How long have you been into it?

J: I’m waiting for my… Because actually, the reason I switched is because it helps me… It made it easier to get prep for Fringe.

G: Yes.

J: So I’m waiting for my first bottle of prep right now.

C: Okay cool. I was reading and most of the reviews say they are incredible, but come the second time that you have to get it. The package, it’s like chaos.

J: Interesting.

G: Oh, I already got my second package.

J: Wait, question. Second bottle of pills or second time you have to do the testing? Because that I feel like is where the chaos could come out.

C: I’m not sure.

J: Who’s to say? We’ll talk in a few episodes. Check in a few episodes how my Mister journey is going.

G: I got my second bottle and it was fine. I liked the little… This is my first time generally.

J: Oh, congrats. Huge for you.

G: Thank you so much. And I like the little shakers inside the bottle.

C: Honey, you’re not taking prep.

G: It’s like the-

J: I know what you’re talking about. That plastic thing that’s inside the pill bottle. I don’t know what that does.

C: It’s in all pill bottles.

G: No, no. What are you talking about? This is the first time I’ve ever seen it.

J: It’s definitely not in an antibiotic bottle.

G: Yes. I think it sucks the air out or the water. Sorry, the water. Not the air. It’s like a vacuum tight seal.

J: I perceive it as that exact same thing as that weird pouch that’s in beef jerky. It’s the same thing, but for prep.

C: Yes.

G: Exactly.

C: And prep and beef jerky are-

G: They’re one and the same.

C: They’re one and the same.

J: You take prep so you can eat beef jerky safely.

G: Exactly. Exactly right.

C: To call sex and beef jerky. It’s so funny.

G: I mean, you’re putting some kind of cured meat in a hole.

C: Ugh. That sucks.

J: It’s not cured. He’s like, no, I use saltwater lube. You guys go out a lot.

G: Do we ever?

J: I keep on trying to transition every time. Guys go out a lot.

G: It’s too much actually.

C: Jake sucked all the air out of the room and then held it in for a second.

G: You guys have a problem actually. Yeah. We go out a lot.

J: I love it.

G: Yeah, it’s very fun.

J: You’re eight months into New York. How has the transition to going out in Chicago to going out in New York been for you? Is this part of why your body’s hurting?

C: Yeah.

G: Absolutely right. I also just think, okay, I’m in my late twenties now. And I think that I just can’t.

C: You’re 29.

G: Yeah. My late twenties.

C: I just wanted to clarify.

G: Yeah. My late twenties, ultimately.

C: 29.

J: Did you just have a birthday?

G: In May.

J: Yes. And Colin, yours is coming up?

C: No.

G: Colin’s actually not having a birthday again.

C: I’m actually not going to do that again.

G: He’s not going to say.

J: But you’re 29.

C: I’m 28.

G: You’re 28.

J: When do you turn 29?

C: December. You were there.

J: I was there. What did we do?

G: The house party.

C: We partied.

J: Oh my God. I forget. That was also your birthday and not just housewarming. Yes.

C: Yes. I felt like a housewarming.

G: Actually, we really need a house housewarming now because we have furniture and a rug.

C: And A/C.

J: There’s a 30 percent chance you’ll get evicted.

G: You definitely. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I will get kicked out of the apartment.

J: Okay, so Colin and Garrett through. I’m going to say this and I actually honestly think I mean this. Actually, I definitely mean this. Top three house parties I’ve ever been to in New York.

G: Wow.

C: That’s so fun.

G: That’s amazing.

J: Was it your housewarming slash Colin’s birthday?

G: And here’s the trick to a great housewarming party: you actually have no furniture at all so you can put as many people in the room.

J: Yeah. You’re not top number one because I will… It’s funny because I re-listen to our old episode. So I do have fresh anecdotes from when we hung out like three months ago, the speaker was a Google home in a salad bowl.

G: That was my bad.

C: Yeah.

J: The audio was lacking, but that’s probably why the party lasted till 4 am before your neighbor said he found it, what was it? Upsetting? Unacceptable?

G: Actually it was unacceptable.

C: It was unacceptable.

G: Yeah, it was unacceptable.

C: And then we were just like, “Of course.”

G: We were like, “Yeah. No, definitely, it is unacceptable.”

C: And he was shocked that we didn’t argue back and the we closed the door and the party ended.

G: He was so gently like, “Okay.”

C: He was ready. He probably rolled over and looked at his wife in bed and was like, “I’m going to go up there. I’m going to f*cking say something.”

G: Or his husband, Colin?

C: No, he was straight.

J: If he was gay, note under the door 100 percent.

G: If he was gay the police would have been there, actually. He’s like “Beep, beep, beep.”

J: Oh, yeah.

G: That’s a Matt move.

J: A white gay Matt.

G: That is a Matt.

J: Matt’s calling the cops.

C: Absolutely, right.

J: 100 percent.

G: I don’t know if there’s one gay person in our building besides us two.

J: You have a big building.

G: I know. I haven’t seen one. I barely see anyone in the building though, it’s scary. Sometimes I’m like, is anyone living here?

J: Interesting. Are you guys liking the building?

G: Yeah. It’s fine. I mean it’s a building. I like the apartment.

J: Okay, great.

G: I really wish we had some outdoor space. I love to be outside.

J: And a roof would be huge because I think you guys would… Because that’s one of my other best… The best house parties I’ve been to in New York have had roofs.

C: Yeah. I would agree.

J: But yours for being an indoor only, incredible house party.

G: Thank you.

C: Thank you.

J: Incredible work.

G: Thank you so much. We’ll take that. We’ll take that award for the caveat.

J: But so it’s been hard moving to New York in terms of like-

G: Oh, I’ve had a-

J: I meant hard on the body.

G: Well there’s so many opportunities to be out and about. You know what I mean? And so, I’m taking out more.

J: More so than Chicago.

C: Yeah. Well, there’s just like in Chicago, I felt like there was kind of a flow or a mood and you woke up and you adapted to that. Where here it’s you could kind of pick your own adventure. There’s a thousand different things happening and so you can kind of do whatever you want.

J: I’m jealous of that for Chicago.

G: Yeah, there was-

C: There were moments of calm, yeah.

G: Where it’d just be like, okay. What’s everyone doing today? And be like, oh, everyone’s like turning out broccoli now.

J: Because I’ve been in New York for eight years and I’m still trying to teach myself to not give into the constant option to do something. Do you know what I mean? And if the city felt like that, if it wasn’t available that day, that might be better for me.

C: Yes. That’s why I think sometimes when it storms or when it rains really hard, I’m like, everyone chill the F out.

J: Yeah.

C: This is our time.

G: Sure.

J: I respect that. I actually… Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think that when it’s pouring rain, I do experience a little bit of release as like, there are probably less people out.

C: Yeah. Right. Which is probably why it rains more in New York than Chicago.

J: Because God wants it that way.

G: Because the Lord said, actually, you guys need to settle down for a second. But I will say too, the summer, there’s way more opportunities to go out. Well there’s no way… I mean, there’s generally you can always go out wherever, whatever. No matter the season, you can always go out. But in the summer, there’s more events that are going out, which is so fun.

C: Yeah, definitely more events-

J: In Chicago or here?

G: Here.

C: Here.

J: Oh, yeah.

G: It’s so fun.

J: I think that’s new because of the pride summer — or the Covid summer, I’m thinking pride month of that summer. Because everything was so regulated. It went from kind of like free for all situations to events and tickets and capacities and you have to get your tickets. And I think it was really intense that summer where you had to like for pride weekend, you had to have tickets to everything ahead of time that year. Because you weren’t going… There was no day of like-

C: 2021.

J: 2021. Yes. So I guess last summer. Pride last year was very regimented in that way and it felt like you had to get tickets ahead of time. This year it felt much more like choosing your own adventure.

C: Totally. Everyone was losing their minds this summer after Covid. When it was, vaccines were available because everyone’s like, oh my God. We can go out.

J: Yeah.

C: And now it’s like June of 2021, we almost killed ourselves. We went out every single night.

G: Oh yeah. Yeah. We were out on a Wednesday till 4 a.m. and be like.

C: It was insane. And then we absolutely took a break in July.

J: Are bars 2 a.m. or 4 a.m. in Chicago?

C: Most are two.

J: But we have a 4 a.m. option?

G: We have some four options, but usually when you end up at a 4 am bar…

J: Something went wrong?

G: Yeah, you’re like, “Oh, what happened here?”

C: Yeah. Garrett did this amazing thing where we would go to 4 a.m. bars together and then he would leave and it wasn’t like I was talking to anybody. He would just head on home.

G: No.

J: Like go to the bathroom and then you’d be like, “Where is Garrett?”

C: And then he would be on his way home.

J: I’d be so mad, Garrett.

C: And I’d text him like where are you? And he’s like, I took an Uber home.

G: No, you would be talking to someone or you’d be having a good time and I’d be like, “Okay, it’s time to go.” And I would generally… I would normally say.

J: You can’t Irish exit on one person.

G: I know.

J: You have to say goodbye.

G: Well Colin, okay. I’m so sorry. When you’re making out with someone, I’m assuming something’s going to happen.

C: I wasn’t making out.

G: Okay.

J: Were you kissing?

C: I was dancing alone.

J: These are such wildly competing narratives.

G: There were times that you’d be like, huh? I’d be like, oh, there’s something happening here.

C: But I still even think if there’s a flirtatious thing happening, like a gentle graze of the shoulder or something to be like, I’m heading out.

J: Even just so like, you know what I mean? Like a little signal.

G: I’m sure I did that.

C: There’s no way.

G: Like from across to like at the door being like Colin, I’m leaving.

C: Not a chance.

G: No. I’d be fully in a cab even. Not even calling an Uber, just walking outside and be like, “I need to go home now.”

C: Yeah, and then I come home five minutes later.

J: I’d be so mad.

C: And we paid for two different cars.

G: Exactly right.

J: How long have you guys lived together?

G: Too long. A million years.

C: At one point, Garrett turned to me in the pandemic and said “I think I’ve seen you more than I’ve seen my own mother.”

G: I do think it’s true.

J: Like in life?

G: I think I’ve had more time looking at Colin’s space than I have of my own mother.

C: And God bless him and God bless her.

G: We’ve lived together since you moved into my apartment. Wow.

C: This is actually insane for him to say that because I found the apartment.

G: August of 2020.

C: I found the apartment. This is kind of a crazy thing. Maybe he won’t listen to it. Who knows? But I found the apartment and there were four of them that were already living together. Garrett was a part of a group of four, but one of them was leaving and I was coming in and I found the apartment for us to move into. And I was supposed to move in with them when the lease began. But the fourth roommate decided-

G: Wait, there’s no way.

C: The fourth roommate decided he wanted to have a summer in Chicago before he left. So I found the apartment and then he stayed an extra-

G: Till August.

C: Till August when we got the lease in June.

J: So what did you do? Just sublet?

C: I had to stay with my brother, which is fine. I was already living with my brother but I wanted out because I wanted my own place.

J: I hate this man on your behalf.

C: He’s so nice, but I was so furious at the time.

J: Oh my God.

C: I didn’t believe it.

J: Living together, are you going out together a lot as well? Or do you find it’s like we’ve gotten our face time at home?

G: Oh no. We do go out together quite a bit.

C: Yeah.

J: Do we have roles we play when we go out together?

G: Well, what do you mean?

J: I don’t know, is someone…

G: A facilitator kind of along for the ride?

J: Is someone like the person you kind of have to convince to go out even though you know they do want to go out? Is someone like the party animal? Someone wing-maning?

C: It kind of switches based on where we are at in our lives. But I think as of late it’s been Garrett’s more of the party animal.

G: Yeah. I think last summer it was flipped. I think you were like, “Let’s go out. Let’s go dancing. Let’s go, blah, blah, blah.” And now this summer you’re a little bit more like, “Let’s go watch some jazz and drink a concert.”

C: I love jazz.

G: And I’m like, “Woah.”

J: Did Colin get into jazz?

G: Colin’s been really into jazz.

C: If you’re out on a weekend in Brooklyn, you can find me doing some jazz.

G: Yeah, Colin loves it.

J: Doing or listening to it?

C: If I’m doing jazz, I’m f*cked up.

J: Where are you going to watch jazz?

C: Oh, I did. Okay. There is a club called Ornithology Club. I’m so scared to even say it on here because it’s such an intimate, beautiful space. And I don’t want there to be attention.

J: No, Colin. I think — I mean this with all the kindness in the world — most of the people who listen to this podcast are not going to go to jazz.

G: Well, okay. Can I tell you about the last time we went to the Ornithology Club?

C: It’s amazing.

G: Okay. And you know the clientele? It was Colin and Miranda and me and then some people visiting and then 30 of the oldest people you see in your entire life.

C: I’ll tell you what, we were grooving.

J: Yeah. I feel like I picture, I don’t know. It’s also called Ornithology club, it’s a jazz club. In my mind, the bartender, it has a monticule and the menu is in braille for aesthetics.

G: Okay. The way you described it, it’s way cooler than that actually.

C: It’s so cool.

J: Where is it?

G: It’s in east Williamsburg, Bushwick Area.

C: Bushwick area.

J: And there were old people there?

G: Lots of old people. Well, the whole band’s so old too. On their last leg.

J: This place ctually drains people’s life forces. They were all 22 and they walked in.

G: It’s a timewarp.

J: It’s this movie theater from Halloweentown.

C: Oh my God.

G: Yes. It was very cool, but it seems a little more like, not mom-and-poppy, but like a little more like-

C: It’s more community driven. It’s not really like it’s a venue. It’s like these people know everybody at the bar and the bartenders and the people.

J: How did you find the place?

C: My friend, Trina, just stumbled upon it. And we were high and we sat there and we watched the whole thing because it was so good and then at the end they were like, “Okay, whoever wants to come up and play.” And I look around every single person has an instrument on them. And I was like ah and I just sat there and I was in “Soul.”

J: Wow.

C: I was in the movie “Soul. “

J: You were in the movie “Soul.”

G: You were in the movie “Soul?”

C: I was in the movie “Soul.”

J: So now your main move going out right now is jazz?

G: No.

J: Okay, good.

G: Yes, I mean.

J: What are you talking about?

C: I will seek it out, but there is a place that I have been going to a little bit that I like a lot is called Wild Birds in Crown Heights.

G: Yeah.

J: Wait, where in Crown Heights is that?

C: Saint Marks I think is the street.

G: Yeah, like four blocks away from us.

C: No one knows where we live.

J: Saint Marks and what? I feel like I should-

G: Oh, Washington maybe.

J: I think I know what this is. Is it huge? It kind of takes up a part of a block and it’s your friends and lovers?

G: Right.

C: Your friends and lovers, yes.

J: That’s like one of the places in the neighborhood that has changed over four times since I moved here.

G: Really?

J: Yeah. It was called the Dean for a while because it’s on Dean.

G: Yes, yes.

C: Oh yes, it’s on Dean.

J: This is how I figured it out. Yes. It was called the Dean for a while. I know exactly what you’re talking about.

G: That place is really cool and they have a live band. Seventh is really neat.

J: Okay, I will investigate.

G: Yeah, it’s really cool.

J: Okay, what are you liking?

G: I mean, I’m going out whenever I can get in. Okay. So Friday I went on-

C: Wherever you can get in?

G: Truly wherever I can get in.

C: Are people not letting you into places?

G: They’re saying I need to go home. No, I went to the Rihanna navy boat. Have you heard of this?

J: No.

G: The Gayflower?

J: No.

G: It was just some booze cruise. Have you heard of this?

J: No.

G: I went on a gay-

J: Wait, were you guys on the boat party that was the Robin boat party called Dancing On My Boat?

G: No.

J: It was very fun.

C: No one’s invited me on a boat.

G: Very similar. I invited you on the boat, Colin. You didn’t want to go.

J: Colin’s like, “My friends are too old. They can’t handle it.”

C: They can’t get on the boat. If there’s a step, they can’t get off.

G: Yeah. The boat was so fun. I like to be on the water. I like to be kind… I like to be sea based.

J: Okay.

G: But that was very fun. But also it’s like you’re locked in for like four hours. You’re like, no one’s going anywhere. We’re all kind of on this boat together, which I kind of like because it’s great. Everyone has to party then.

J: Commitment.

G: Yeah. I liked Wild Birds. Where else have we been going? I’ve been kind of going truly wherever I can.

C: We were going to Coyote Club for a long time.

G: Yeah, we haven’t been in awhile.

C: And for anyone who works there, I love the place. It is a tad loud. The volume is like… And it’s because I’ve been doing jazz.

J: Yeah. It’s so clear. Everything is so on game.

G: You’re like 65 years old. Coyote Club’s amazing.

C: Do you disagree?

J: Coyote Club, I would love a corn off the cob option.

G: I think it’s loud, yeah.

J: I’ve only been twice. Once with you guys and it was loud. It was loud.

G: It’s loud. It’s not there.

J: Do you ever just get sick all of a sudden? I was there when… No, not like it happened to me there, but I don’t think it was their fault. We were out and we got there and I had one sip of one beer and was like, I actually think I have to go home. I don’t feel good. And then I was sick the next day. I don’t think it was Coyote Club’s fault but that happened to me.

G: Yeah. That doesn’t really happen to me, but I understand that. There’s times when I’m like, oh, that has to be my last string ultimately. Where you’re drinking and you’re like, that was-

J: Yeah. It wasn’t like I was sick from the alcohol. I think it was like I had one… The alcohol I drank had weakened my immune system and something took over. Do you know what I mean? That was sort of what happened.

G: I get that.

J: Yeah. Are you guys… What was I just going to ask?

G: I’ve been kind of going to a lot of like, not bars specifically, but other people’s homes, like rooftops kind of like-

J: Oh, this ties into what I was going to ask.

G: Park parties. Things like that.

J: Are you guys feeling like you’re making a new group here or do you feel like the Chicago group is moving over and you’re hanging out with your Chicago friends still?

G: I would say a little of both.

C: Integrating.

G: Yes.

J: I feel like the Chicago kids are… I feel like a lot of your friends are moving over here.

G: Yes, absolutely.

J: Which is great.

G: Which is amazing. But I also feel like everyone’s kind of seamlessly integrating to the New York people as well. I feel like it’s helpful that everyone who is moving from Chicago is kind and cool. And so it’s like, well, okay. Yeah, come on. Come hang out with these people too.

C: Totally.

J: Yeah, 100 percent.

C: It was nice to have that base at first.

G: Yeah. But I feel like I’m expanding my horizons. But yeah, I feel like there’s a lot of… I mean, it’s the summer. Everyone’s like, “Oh, we’re doing a show on a rooftop and then we’re having a party afterwards.” It’s like, “Oh, I’m going to go do that.”

J: 100 percent.

G: Because that’s fun and I can bring like six white claws. You know what I mean? It’s so great. I’ll do that and that’ll be the night that I can spend $14 on white claws instead of about $7,000 on drinks.

C: We love to be outside.

G: Love to be outside. I want to be outside all the time.

J: I know. I love it. It gets really good in the fall when it’s not even that hot and also people have less free time. So it’s like if you have more free time because you’re a comedian. Like The Doris’ backyard where you can really make some things happen. That in the summer can get challenging.

C: I think we haven’t been to The Doris’ backyard yet.

G: We’ve been the-

J: We should go open, but there were too many people back there. Marsha and I really like to take over the ping pong table and are really proud.

C: There’s a ping pong table back there? Okay.

J: It’s all the way in the back and it really-

C: What did you say?

J: He goes, “All right, let’s get loud.”

G: Let’s get loud.

C: Their grilled cheese rocks.

G: Let’s get quiet, actually.

J: They have two and they’re both really good.

G: The gruyere and onion one is really good.

C: Yeah, they have two.

J: Yeah, I love Doris. Shout out.

G: Hey, and this is actually a plug for Doris in Clinton Hill. Bed-stuy?

J: Clinton Hill.

C: I don’t think it’s in Clinton Hill.

J: No, I think it’s in Bed-Stuy actually.

G: Okay. Well it’s in Bed-Stuy. This is a plug, kind of an ad even. Great cocktails.

J: It’s not an ad. It’s for sure not an ad.

G: It’s an ad for Doris. My friend, Jared, works there. You go on Fridays and he’ll give you… Actually he won’t give you anything, but he’ll give me free drinks.

C: You’re making a lot of promises here.

G: Yeah, I know. I like Doris quite a bit though. I also love tequila. And so it’s like, wow, honey.

J: Kind of anywhere that serves Margaritas becomes huge for you.

G: Absolutely, right.

J: What do you like to drink?

G: He’s a sick bastard.

C: Get over yourself.

G: His drink of choice is a… tell him.

C: Okay. You see?

J: Oh, I forgot. I know this, and it’s rancid.

G: It’s horrible.

C: It’s vodka water.

G: Oh my God.

J: It’s a doubly whammy.

G: You deserve the electric chair.

J: It’s funny because the drink is vodka water and then also Colin’s one of the people that doesn’t say the D in vodka. So it’s “voka water.”

G: Vodka water.

C: It’s vodka water because you’re hydrating yourself at the same time. But I will say-

J: And your stomach can’t handle the bubbles, isn’t it?

C: And my stomach, no. I used to drink Rum and Cokes in college and I would vomit not from the rum but the Coke.

G: Yeah. Okay, I found it.

J: You are 95. It’s unreal.

G: He’s always been the oldest person I’ve known in my job. Okay. I found his secret. This is a hack for everyone listening. We were at Grace’s house and she was like, I don’t-

C: Grace Kuhlenschmidt.

G: Thank you. And she was like, I actually don’t like White Claws because of the bubbles. And she took one of those milk frothers, poured it into glass, frost it and I was like, that’s going to make it more bubbly. Took it right out.

J: No, it flattens it.

C: I didn’t think about it. I will say though I didn’t like it.

J: I think those synthetic flavors have to be aerated to not taste really fake.

G: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

C: Yeah. It was like someone poured MiO. Do you guys remember MiO?

J: Yeah. Do you know what you should be drinking in the summer that’s actually so good and people do judge for this, but they are so good and they are flat? Twisted Tea.

G: You love Twisted Tea. What?

C: Is that who I did?

G: You did the ad Twisted Tea.

C: I did an ad for Twisted Tea.

J: Oh my God. I forgot you did the Twisted Tea ad.

C: Yeah.

G: They made you buy Twisted Tea for the ad too.

C: Yeah.

J: When I did a KFC ad they were like I had to buy this specific pack, like a family pack to do the ad. And I didn’t think about it when I signed the contract and then I went to go buy it and this meal pack from KFC was like $78. And called my agent and I was like, what? Are we for real with this? And she’s like, “Yeah. It says in the contract that’s part of your rate.” And I was like, I wanted to die.

C: Oh my God, that is so funny.

G: How was the KFC stuff though?

J: So the thing is once you eat one single literal, and I’ll say this because I get the ad but I’m paid. But once you have one literal single bite of Popeye’s, you realize how bad KFC is. It’s straight up not good.

G: Yeah. Popeye’s is so good.

C: Remember they had that chicken sandwich, Popeye’s?

G: Right. That was them.

J: They’re kind of still around.

G: Still do.

J: Yeah. The spicy and the regular. I know there’s a Megan Thee Stallion one.

G: I haven’t had the spicy one. You’re too afraid.

J: Can you not do spice?

G: I love spice, but I’m just worried it’s going to be too spicy.

J: It’s spice for the masses. You have to remember this isn’t like… It’s Popeye’s. It has to be sold to the millions, it’s mildly hot.

G: Okay. Yeah. I’ll give it a try. And I love Megan Thee Stallion too. So I would like to try her thing.

J: Her’s is like a sweet hot sauce.

G: Okay, then, honey, I’m in. I know I’ll get her tonight. Well, maybe probably-

C: You’re going to get it tonight?

J: Are you guys going out tonight?

G: No.

C: We were just talking about what we were doing tonight.

G: I don’t think so. I have to save money.

J: Isn’t it the worst?

G: It’s horrible but I do have to.

J: Do you feel that going out is more or less or the same expense from New York to Chicago?

C: Way more expensive.

J: Wait, for real.

C: Oh my gosh. It’s inflation. So it’s like a little, it’s like doubled.

G: I mean, you go around the corner into a cocktail bar and it’s like, okay, so cocktails here are $22. Okay. So one hour of work for-

J: A vodka soda.

G: Seven minutes of drinking.

C: It’s also I feel like in Chicago it was like a little bit more of a beer culture. So there were a lot of beers on menus where like here, when you go places it’s mostly cocktails.

J: Yeah, 100 percent.

C: I’m sick of buying cocktails.

G: I will say too, I don’t care where we are, I don’t care what we’re doing. I’m searching for a frozen drink.

C: Me too, I love frozen drinks.

J: You can’t handle bubbles but your stomach can do a frozen drink?

C: Like one or two.

J: Okay. Because I’m like halfway through and I’m like, I should go to the hospital.

G: Really?

J: Yeah, yeah.

G: Not me.

J: See, bubbles aren’t really bad for me but acid. Like the other day I got a margarita and by the end of it, I was like, I love these and this is painful. I got heartburn.

C: Or if it’s too sugary.

J: He actually has phenomenal frozen drinks.

G: You know what?

C: Wait, I was there with you.

G: Yeah. We were all there together.

J: It’s fine. I forgot. I was there with you guys too. I was not myself.

C: I was not well when I was leaving that place.

G: Okay. Again, there comes a point. And actually I did tell you I was leaving this time. But there comes a point where I was like, yeah, we’re done actually. It’s time to go.

J: This was pride weekend?

G: Pride weekend. And I walk up to Colin and I go, “Colin, I have to leave right now.” And he goes, “Your phone is dead, how are you going to get home?” And I said, “I’m going to find a way.” And I made it home. I made it home before you did.

C: Yeah, good for you. They called out on a podcast.

J: God forbid someone has gay sex on gay pride.

G: Can you even believe it? Not me. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t dare. But you know what else has amazing Margaritas is the Rosemont.

J: It’s just so funny that the one time Garrett ever went home before Colin he let everyone know and it’s because Colin slapped him.

C: Yeah, literally.

G: I’m sorry, Colin.

J: We cut that.

C: That’s okay. You guys dragged me to it under a highway party.

G: That was fun.

C: An hour before that party.

G: That was fun. I have a picture of us at that party and we both look like absolute chaos.

C: Well, everyone was pretty high, right?

G: Yeah.

J: I was on acid. I took a tab of acid.

G: Yeah. And so there was kind of something happening there.

C: Yeah, everyone was doing something.

G: Everyone was going something.

C: I was always in the line for fries.

J: I just felt like that under the bridge situation, I was like, sometimes it’s like, oh yeah. When the ceilings are 200 feet high, a.k.a. the bridge, the party’s always going to feel a little empty. Do you know what I mean? There’s probably like 300 people there but I was like, “No one’s here.”

G: It was like all of the bridge. And so it was like, “Yeah, people are like sitting 200 feet away.”

C: It felt like a field day.

G: It was literally-

J: I was going to say any sort of event that’s outside like that during the day, unless it is literally Coachella, it’s just going to feel like a welcome event at college. Do you know what I mean? It will have that energy.

C: And then you’re like, oh, I feel like I could be doing something else.

J: 100 percent. You’re like, “I didn’t talk to the coolest people.” So I just went back to The Exley and that was very fun.

C: We did all these pretty quickly then went back.

G: When we walked back to the actual Exley.

C: We needed a walk.

J: We needed a walk.

G: Yeah, I had a blast.

C: It was fun.

G: I talked to Gabby the whole time.

J: Don’t we love Gabby?

G: We love Gabby.

C: Shout-out, shout-out. Shout-out to Gabby.

G: I had a blast at the party though, so I don’t know what you guys were doing.

C: What party?

J: I had fun at the party, but I was sort of like, I was feeling a little stressed only because I felt like I was the person… My best friend David had sent it to me being like, “This looks fun.” I was like, “Teah, it looks fun.” And then people were like, ”What are you doing?” And I was like, “I’m going to this.” And then it was one of those rare situations where people listened to that and then were like, “I got tickets to this because you got tickets to this” and I was like, “Oh.” Not even that I have to stay but if it’s not amazing, it’s my fault. Do you know what I mean? And I just sort of like… I wasn’t saying this was going to be great. I just said it was what I was doing. And it wasn’t bad. It just wasn’t amazing.

C: And also if no one’s having a good time they’re like, “F*cking Jake.”

J: No, that’s the thing it’s like… It’s just, I don’t want anyone to go to the next party and be like, we at this random party that Jake told us to go to and then I have a reputation of being like, don’t go. He goes to the lame things and then I have to move to Chicago.

G: Where there’s not a party in sight.

J: Never.

G: I will say too I think people were just looking for something to do and so at that point you’re like, well, this is something to do.

C: Yeah, we need to change up the scenery.

G: Yeah.

J: Yeah. There’s something about a summer day where at some point you do just need to change location I feel.

G: Yes.

C: Oh absolutely.

J: You get tired.

G: I love a summer day that feels like you’re kind of riding in the back of an Uber the whole time. Like a little bit drunk where you’re like, “Woah, where are we Ubering?”

J: I actually literally never want to get in the car once the whole day.

C: I was gonna say, I disagree.

G: You’re just like… And they’re kind of making everyone’s like, “Oh, we’re going here now and now we’re going here.” And then this then we’re happening. This is happening.

C: Bee-bopping around.

J: Yeah. 100 percent.. But I don’t ever want to actually be in a car. No, I don’t want to be in a car.

G: But it just like mentally feels like you’re in the back of an Uber drunk.

J: I actually hate being in cars, personally.

C: Oh, okay.

J: I just-

G: I kind of find some solace in it.

C: Well, we’ll cancel the road trip.

J: Mostly in New York I hate being in cars.

C: Yeah, I get that.

J: Except in the winter. I’ll take a car in the winter, but in the summer I hate being in cars. It’s just stuffy.

C: I get antsy on weekends, like when it’s nice out. If someone’s like, “Let’s go to this bar, we’re going to be at this bar,” and it’s like two o’clock but it’s bright and sunny. I don’t like to be inside. I get super anxious. I would much rather be at the beach all day.

J: 100 percent. Wait. So since in the eight months you’ve moved to New York, have either of you and perhaps it’s the same paper perhaps it’s different, have you had the ultimate night out yet for you? Where it was like, this was the best night we’ve had in New York yet.

G: Oh my goodness. It’s an insane question to ask.

J: It doesn’t have to be the one of it could be to take some pressure off.

G: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s a great question.

C: I think no, but we have had like…. I haven’t had a night where I woke up and I was like, I want to repeat that.

J: Oh sure.

C: Because I feel like I never have time to really think about it because I wake up and there’s something to do in the morning.

G: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

C: You know what I mean?

J: Hustle.

C: Yeah. It’s a hustle. Even the social aspect of New York is such a hustle.

G: Yeah. I think I’ve had banner nights where it’s like, this was so fun. But I’m trying to think of them.

C: We had a fun one last weekend. We were dancing on the rooftop for a while.

G: That was fun. It’s stuff like that where it’s like, oh, we ended up at the… So we went to this… Our roommate Joy was doing a standup comedy show on a rooftop.

C: Shout-out Joy.

G: Shout-out Joy.

J: I didn’t know Joy did stand up.

G: She just got back into it.

J: Good for her. I want to see it.

G: Yes. And so we were-

J: She’s the best.

G: We were out at Habana club all day drinking, which they have-

J: Habana Outpost?

G: Habana Outpost, sorry.

J: We love, we love, we love.

G: I will say I didn’t really like their Margarita and I did not really like their Mojito, but I loved their Piña Colada.

C: Their Piña Colada’s are good.

G: Oh my God. And I will say, a lot of cream in the stomach during the day. A lot of cream in the stomach during the day, not amazing, but-

J: No.

G: Delicious. And then we got Korean tapas.

C: Yeah. That’s like a day when you plan nothing and you do a lot.

J: That’s the best.

G: And then we went to this rooftop and then we went to-

J: Rooftop bar or house party?

G: Rooftop house party.

J: Oh, huge.

G: Very fun. And it seemed to be this and this is actually a great way to plan a comedy show is to actually just want to be able to plan a party. And she’s like, yeah, how am I going to get people here? Oh, I guess I’ll have a show too. So she was like, I’m having a rooftop party and also there’s going to be a comedy show. And then afterwards there’s going to be more parties.

J: That’s fun.

G: That was very fun. And so she had all these drinks and stuff. We didn’t know the girl.

C: No.

G: The woman, sorry.

G: Never met her.

C: Never met her, Christie. And then we went-

G: Thanks for having us over.

C: Thanks for having us over. Loved your roof. And then we went back to Grace’s apartment and we were like, yeah, it was great. Also the pizza was really…

G: Yeah, Grace ordered — shout-out Grace.

C: Shout-out to Grace, ordering Domino’s pizza.

J: One of the greatest things to eat when you’re drunk.

C: Absolutely right. It’s so good.

G: You do have to kind of stare off into the abyss and you have to like… When the Dominos hits your tongue, you go, I’m leaving my body for a minute while I can-

J: You disassociate.

G: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. You cannot be conscious of what you’re eating. You have to be like, I’m just going to taste kind of like all the herbs and spices.

J: To me that’s… Wait, no go.

C: I was going to say the only thing that would’ve made that day better is I love to be underwater, physically.

J: Swimming?

C: I said that so dumb. I love to swim, I love to swim. I love to be in the ocean or pool. Oh my God. The public pools here are so nice.

J: Yeah, which ones are you going to?

C: I don’t know the names of them. I went to the one in east Williamsburg.

G: You went to McCarren.

C: McCarren.

J: Oh, that one’s nice. Yeah. Yeah. There’s one near us. The Tijuca Pool.

C: Is that nice?

J: Great, yeah. Yeah.

C: Okay, cool. Maybe I’ll go. I will go. If anyone’s listening.

G: Maybe I’ll go.

J: Does make me sad because I want to make plans with you guys but I’m leaving in truly —

G: I know, are you so excited?

J: I’m more stressed and excited, but I will be excited once I’m there.

G: Okay. Okay. This is a great question that’s on topic. And are you-

J: I won’t be going to jazz in Scotland.

G: No.

C: Well, you’re missing out.

G: Are you going to have to- you’re going to have to pace yourself going out in Scotland.

C: Oh, sure.

G: You have one show a day too?

J: I have one show a day. At least one show a day. I’m also going to be doing standup probably at night as well. Then I have… So the show is at 6:15 every day.

G: Oh, really?

J: I’m very happy about that because it’s not like psycho early where it’s like daytime crowds. It’s still an evening show, but we can go to dinner after, we don’t have to wait all day. I get to have a night after. So the number one concern is this. You’ve both seen this. You’ve both been in the show. So you know the show, I scream a lot. I’m going to lose my voice. So we bought the steaming, the nebulizers and we’re doing all the tea and shit, but I’m like, I can’t be drinking all the time. I will and I can’t be out at bars talking all the time. I do think I will genuinely lose my voice and then like-

C: You’re on Broadway schedule.

G: You’re going to kind of be on the Elphaba schedule where it’s like you wake up, you don’t talk all day. You start to warm up at 4 pm.

J: But you also have to go out and fly for your show all day. That’s part of Fringe. So-

C: What?

J: Yeah. A big part of the Fringe culture is that you are in the show or during the round of the show, you take flyers and you go out on the street and you hand out flyers to tell people to come to your show. It’s like a big part of how you get people to go to your show. What I’m sort of hoping happens is one person sees our poster. Yeah. Ideally this week, I think they’re going up this week or next week, see our poster, say “those two look gorgeous.” They call someone and they buy all 60 tickets for all the shows. Now, so then the show… I just hope the show is just fully a sold out run and I don’t have to do any promotion at all the whole time and I just show up to a full theater every night. That’s the goal. We’ll see what happens.

C: Is the town town that this is taking place in, do the community-

G: The big city even.

C: Is it a big city? Is this a thing where they’re like, okay, this is our time to go see all these shows?

J: I think a big no. I think it’s more so the people who live in Edinburgh are like, okay, I’m going to go away for a month and rent out my apartment for six times the rent to people who need to be here for the festival. And then the city is flooded with people who come for the festival and then just see shows all day do shows da, da, da, da.

C: Wow, interesting.

J: Yeah. I think that’s more the vibe.

C: What are ticket prices for all these shows?

J: So I think Marsha and my show I think is like seven pounds for the first few preview shows. And then I think we’re like 11 pounds the rest of the run. So like 15 bucks.

C: Oh.

J: So not a crazy expensive ticket by any means. I think that unless it’s the big, big, famous names, because the festival is designed… That was me. Sorry. The festival is designed-

G: Kind of a truck rolling through.

J: The Cloverfield monster. It’s kind of just I think the idea is that you see like a bunch of shows in a day. So they try to keep the ticket prices fairly low so you can just kind of marathon shows. But yeah. So I’m not really sure in terms of going out there. They say that a big part of it is going because each of the venues has a performer bar that is where all the performers can go. So we can go to those and meet people and hang out. And I don’t want to say network because that feels very official, but get to know people that… Other comedians from all over the world.

G: I mean, you meet, you go hang.

J: So it’s like I do want to do a lot of that but I also don’t want to lose my voice, don’t want to feel and look like shit on stage. So to answer your question, I literally don’t know. Marsha was like, I’m not going to drink or smoke or do anything the entire month we were there. And I was like, that seems aggressive, but I also could see myself taking it really easy the entire time. Yeah.

C: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. When do you leave?

J: Next Friday.

C: So are you currently in that training mode?

J: You know, I really should. No, I’m mostly just… The thing is because we’re recording most of this season because I can’t record for a month. So this is like, I’m in here recording a lot and then also doing… I have this other job thing I’ve been doing before… That I’m trying to get done before I go. And then I’m trying to see people because I’m losing a month of my summer here. And my cousin’s getting married, this weekend’s going to Vermont. It’s just like-

G: Oh and that is fun.

J: It is. But the thing about summer is I love… And this is no shade to my cousin. I love you. And I’m excited for your wedding. We’re going to have fun. But the summer is like my favorite in terms of energy and weather, but the plans it’s too much. The fact that I’m like-

G: It’s too much.

J: And I actually lowkey think that right now I think part of this summer has felt so stressful to me because I have this plan of I’m leaving for five weeks and that’s psychotic and it doesn’t feel real. But I actually realized recently I was like, even though that plan feels so huge once I get there, the only plan is I have a show every day. There’s actually not that many plans once I’m there and that might be really chill.

G: Oh we’re saying we don’t like plans, having plans.

C: Yeah. I think specifically with weddings and stuff, I think weddings should be in the winter.

J: I will say this. You guys seem like both very kind of chill. I don’t get type A vibes from either of you.

C: I lean type A.

G: I’m a little type A.

J: Okay, cool, cool, cool.

G: Well, I like to have everything. I love to make a list.

J: Well, but you’re famously bad at texting.

G: Yeah. Absolutely right.

J: That, to me, is anti type A. Are you bad at texting?

C: I don’t think it’s bad.

G: You’re better.

C: I’m better.

G: You’re pretty good. I mean, it’s on airplane mode now. I was like, whatever. I’ll get to it when I get to it.

J: Got you.

C: Yeah. Yeah. I think the thing that we are is like, we are both always doing something. But we’re always kind of bouncing between stuff and if you make a plan with us, we’ll do it. But I think it’s like, we like to have stuff filled out. Or if we have nothing filled, we’re just going to frolic around the city all day.

G: Yeah. I like to have like, oh, I have been going here and then this thing and this. Even if it is just we’re hanging out where it’s like, “Oh I have this party and then we’re going to do this.”

J: You like a loose itinerary.

G: Love a loose itinerary.

C: You’ll literally never catch us watching TV during the day.

G: No, no.

J: Same.

G: Unless I’m working and then putting the TV’s on. I’m watching something.

C: Unless I’m getting paid.

G: Unless I’m getting paid then honey, the TV’s on. Because I’m also a graphic designer. So I’m like, could plaque or whatever. It’s like I’ll get everything together. I just dump and be like, okay, we have to do all this right now. Why not watch a murder documentary while I do that? Or the indie Warhol documentary. Oh, Studio 54, that’s what I want. I want to bring that back. Studio 54.

C: The club?

J: You’re going to have to do a lot of coke. You’re going to have to do a lot of coke.

C: If you ran Studio 54, you would be dead by the end of the year.

G: Absolutely right.

J: In a month.

G: Yeah. I’m afraid to do coke. I’m afraid I’ll do it and be like, “Wow, I love this.”

C: I think I’ll come up with the best idea in the world and I’m afraid.

J: Of the idea? Don’t do coke.

C: No, I can’t do coke.

J: Don’t do coke.

C: I can only chill on five, 10 milligrams.

J: You can’t be like, I have to do vodka water because I can’t handle the bubbles and then do coke. You can’t.

C: And I’m at jazz, just losing my mind.

J: I bet the old people at jazz actually have the best coke though. They have coke… One of them bought an eightball in the eighties that they just forgot about and it’s in their apartment and it’s like Escobar coke. Like they have Quaaludes. I do want to try Quaalude one day.

G: I don’t know what that is.

J: It was like a downer that JFK and you know how you look at the old photos and they all look just like, oh shit. They all looked kind of peacefully fucked up. They’re like, sure I am. That’s a lude.

G: And it sounds fun.

J: Yeah, that does sound fun. Just to try one.

G: I think Colin would do coke and be at jazz and be kind of acting extremely normal. It keeps him awake, too.

C: No one can see what I’m doing.

J: Sure. Well, I guess I feel like there’s an Adderall to coke pipeline. The people did Adderall in college and it made them feel normal and get work done? They do coke. Do you know what I mean?

C: Yeah. I never did Adderall.

G: Me neither.

J: I did Adderall once and it made me feel like hell. I was like this. I just don’t think uppers agree with my body.

G: Oh sure.

J: Yeah.

G: I did half a pill of Adderall last week to try to work on my SNL packet. No, to work with my pilot.

J: I was going to say those were due three weeks ago. So you’re late.

G: And my contacts dried out and I said, “Well, this isn’t helpful. I can’t see. How am I supposed to write?” And so then I was like, “Well, I can’t do this.”

J: No uppers for you.

G: No uppers for me.

J: Do you feel like coming from the going out comedy scene in Chicago to the going out comedy scene here, do you feel like the way that the comedy scene socializes is different?

G: Yeah. I don’t think so. What do you think?

C: Well, I think purely because of how the-

G: I forgot we’re on camera.

C: Yeah.

G: He zoned out. Hello, everyone.

C: We all just took a look at the camera. Based on geography, the Chicago community has like only so many spaces they can go. So they do kind of travel together I think, where here, it’s pretty wide.

G: So the comedy community in Chicago had like, well, when we were there and now they don’t have the spaces anymore but they had like IO and the Annoyance and, well, I guess annoyance is still there. But even I guess Second City, you count that too. And like LSI but the bars around in the corner. They had like comedy theater spaces that you would drink at afterwards, and I think that was like, oh. Everyone’s like, these are the hubs that we go to and the drinks are cheap.

C: It’s like the floor at Union, like the first floor. If that was all comedy people was what Chicago was.

J: Yeah. Gotcha.

G: Was that how UCB was or no?

J: Yeah.

G: Let me say, was there like… there’s this bar on the corner that we always go to.

J: So the original UC or not, I guess, the main UCB that was the famous one in Chelsea, the bar for it was this place that I actually do really love called McManus, which was on nine… I think it’s on 19th and 7th. It’s honestly a great dive bar. It wasn’t actually that close to UCB. They just went there because of tradition. And it was fun. It definitely wasn’t only UCB people, but UCB people would kind of not take it over because like the staff love. The staff was great and knew everyone, but it was kind of a place that it felt like you had to kind of like… The first probably dozen times I went there, more than that maybe, you kind of feel like you want to be. Because you’re like going because it’s where everyone’s going but you don’t know people yet. And then it’s like, you kind of work your way up and then you’re like one of the cool kids. Exactly. So there was that and then the other UCB, which was my favorite, the one in the East Village had a bar. UCB east had a bar room in it, which was sick. And then once like the other spaces started, they all had a bar but the other spaces were only around for like a year or two. But they each had a bar that was their bar for sure, but they didn’t become as institutionalized. Now I don’t know what happened because there’s no UCB but there are comedy theaters. Because you guys are doing a lot of stuff at Asylum, right? Or are you not?

C: More BCC, yeah.

J: Have either of those spaces locked into a bar at all?

G: Well, BCC like—

C: They had a bar upstairs.

G: And downstairs sometimes.

C: Yeah.

G: I really like going to DuckDuck around the corner.

J: DuckDuck is great. We love DuckDuck.

C: Another thing with the BCC is they have a really cool… They have Winston right there, so good. And they have DuckDuck, and then they have this little doghouse, which I think they now use for parties and stuff too. So yeah.

G: Which I think is the con… Or is kind of the similar vibe to how I felt in Chicago.

C: Yeah. To how IO kind of ran.

G: Whereas like, “Oh, we’re all going to go here and we’re going to drink and we’re going to play music and whatever.”

C: Yeah, yeah.

G: Also, what study with this cash only thing?` There’s so many cash only places.

C: Oh my God. I used to never use cash.

G: It’s horrible.

J: I find this shocking. Are there not cash only places in Chicago?

C: Everything has a card.

G: Everything has a card. There’s maybe like one or two places that can be cash only.

J: Guys, when I moved to New York, I felt like even more places were cash only. Cash only bars are common here.

C: Oh my God. Everyday I’m pulling out cash.

G: It’s miserable. Yes. I’m going to the ATM constantly.

C: And I spend it differently. I like kind of just think it’s like-

J: Oh, once it’s not touching your bank balance, it’s free baby.

G: Absolutely. It’s horrible.

J: Yeah. It’s not. Cash only places are really popular. I mean, they’re definitely not paying their taxes because like-

G: No, that’s the reason they’re doing it.

J: Which I respect. I’m sorry. I respect it. Hustle sees hustle.

G: I still haven’t paid mine, but don’t tell.

C: What?

J: Wait, I want to call you cushion. I’m like, how do you do that? I don’t get it.

G: You should call my mom.

J: Okay, I’m going to try.

G: Dr. Susan Williams.

J: We call her, she’s in prison for probation.

G: Actually, I haven’t talked to her in a while. Susan Williams, pink ledger, accounting.

C: Wait, what’s the reason you haven’t paid your taxes?

G: Because the day came up and I was like, “Girl, we got to get an extension.” She’s like, “Yeah, I already filed that.” And it’s, like slay mama.

C: Well, so when is it extended to?

G: It is extended until I think like November, but also there were times growing up that my mom was like, I’m working on taxes from like 2004 and it’d be like fully 2007. It’d be like, what’s going on actually?

C: That’s crazy.

G: I mean, the thing is once you, it’s like anything.

C: Can I swear around here?

J: You can swear.

G: No, no swearing actually. Well the thing is when you figure out the system, it’s like, “Oh I can just file this extension. Whatever X, Y, Z.” It doesn’t mess with anything. It’s not credited because it’s not tied to your credit score.

C: I’m going to make it tied to your credit score.

G: I was going to pass the law, Colin’s law.

J: Okay.

C: We’re getting the signal.

G: She’s saying hey.

C: She’s saying, “Hey, bring it home.”

G: We’ll have to tabel our tax talk.

C: You’re not loving our tax talk?

J: They’re talking about taxes.

G: You don’t love our taxes. I’ll let you know, I’m going to be owing. I’m going to be owing money for sure.

C: Yeah. That’s facts.

J: I know. Okay. We like to end these episodes by planning out our next night out together.

G: Oh, love that.

J: So it might be…

G: It might be in September ultimately.

J: I was going to say it might be tight. I actually have… I might, whatever. We’ll figure it out. I’ll let you know what I’m doing because I have shows in the neighborhood so we could go out for a drink after.

G: Oh yeah, of course.

J: You know what I mean? So we might be able to squeeze it in, but let’s not do a date right now. Let’s just talk about activity.

G: Yes. Love activities.

J: So, I feel like we live close enough. We should do it in the neighborhood.

C: Yes.

G: Yes, please.

J: 100 percent. What is exciting to you guys right now? Wait, here’s a question. You’re not working right?

C: Here’s the first one.

G: And here’s another.

J: You’re not working right now, right?

G: Yes.

C: Let’s let the people know that.

G: I’m always available to hire.

C: I’m available to hire. I’ll do literally anything.

J: Okay. You work, but in a way where you kind of don’t have to? Yeah. Yeah. So-

G: Well, let’s keep that one on the down.

C: I love that you were like, “I have not paid my taxes?”

G: Yes. You call it spiraling, but I’m just forgetting about it.

C: I’ve hit the bottom. I can only get out to eat. Garret attached cinder blocks to his ankles and jumped out of the plane.

G: I jumped out of the plane and the first parachute has tangled up. The second one is like, we’re waiting for the second one to be okay.

C: He’s still in the air.

J: I feel like we can meet up at 3 pm.

C: Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.

J: What are we waiting till six for?

C: And I mean, we’re here at 1 pm today. And we were late and we didn’t have any-

G: Because we missed a train.

C: Yeah, we did watch it go by.

G: When we’re traveling, I’m playing dad. I’m playing, we got to get on this train, we have to go here. I’m the one in charge.

J: Are you bad at traveling?

C: No, I’m great at traveling. He just decides.

J: Okay.

C: And no one really argues.

J: So, I say we meet up while the sun… Like let’s get as much sun in as possible.

C: I love the sun.

J: So I think it could be cute to do-

G: Well, we could do the Doris’ backyard, but what time does it open? Five?

C: Oh, let’s start at the beach. Let’s go to-

G: Wait, let’s go to the beach. That’s a great night out.

C: And there’s a really fun bar near Rockaway.

J: Rippers?

G: That was not near the beach at all though.

C: No, but it’s the closest bar.

J: Do you guys bike?

G: Yeah.

C: We take the train. Oh, to the beach?

J: Yeah.

C: To the beach we train, but we do bike.

J: Okay. Because biking to the beach is fun. We could take the train to the beach. Let’s start earlier than three though then obviously.

C: So let’s say we start at like 11.

J: Okay. Let’s Ooh. Beach in September is nice.

C: Hell yeah.

J: Okay. So we’ll go to the beach. We’ll meet up, we’ll go to Rockaway.

G: Sorry all over.

J: We’ll have a couple drinks on the beach.

G: Okay.

C: Okay. Huge.

J: I could be really into-

C: They sell those guys who walk down-

J: The firecrackers.

C: They’re really good.

J: They’re not called firecrackers. Those are weird things that I always call them firecrackers.

G: I don’t know what they’re called.

J: The Kool-Aid jammers with booze. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So then we’ll drink those. I would love, and I don’t know what your food vibes is, we didn’t talk about food literally once this whole episode got.

G: And that’s okay because we’re talking about alcohol. We don’t need to eat.

J: Well, I was going to say if we’re by the ocean, just like a greasy seafood shack.

G: Easy.

C: I feel like that’s this place.

G: Yeah. But it was so far away. It was about two miles from where we were.

C: Okay, biking.

G: I will say the drinks were amazing and it was crowded.

C: It was a party.

J: Okay. So we’ll do that. And then I think as the sun sets, let’s get back to Brooklyn.

C: Okay.

G: And now we’re back.

J: And then where do we want to go?

G: What kind of drinks do you want?

J: So we’re probably pretty-

G: I’m not looking for fine cocktails at this time.

J: No, at this point I don’t want to find a cocktail.

G: Would go to Coyote Club honestly and sit up front if it’s nice.

J: Do they have outdoors?

G: In the front? I mean, it’s-

J: Do you guys ever do Do or Dive?

G: I’ve never been to Do or Dive.

C: Wait. I’ve never been to Do or Dive either.

J: Wait, let’s do that. That also might be fun. That could be more practically a thing we’ll sneak in before-

C: Is that fun?

J: Yeah. It’s fun.

C: I’ve never been.

J: We’ll go. It’s fun. So we’ll do that and then I think that’s enough plans tonight and we see what happens.

G: Yeah. That’s enough plans.

C: And maybe we’ll either end the night at Coyote Club and then at the Rosemont.

G: Oh, oh wow. Yeah.

J: I would love it. Wait, do you know that there’s new gay bar in our neighborhood.

C: Where?

J: It’s called Singers.

C: Oh my God.

J: And I think I’m going to go there tomorrow night.

C: Shout-out Richard Perez told me about that.

J: Yeah. It’s really fun. It’s on Cajuko and maybe like Nostrand.

C: Yes. I think it’s the-

J: Actually, I’m going there for a birthday party tomorrow night. I will text you if you guys want to come.

G: Wait. That sounds fun. What’s the vibe?

J: Gay. I feel like aesthetically it’s inspired by a pizza restaurant. Quite honestly, that makes sense when you go there. But it’s cheap. It’s probably the cheapest bar I’ve been to.

G: Love.

C: Love that.

J: They do these things called… I’m not going to remember the name, but it’s like $7 and it’s a High Life with a shot of Campari in it.

C: Amazing.

G: Oh my God.

J: It’s fun.

G: That’s amazing. Okay, we’ll go there.

J: All right. I’ll text you guys.

G: We’d love to go.

J: Okay. Thank you guys for doing the show.

G: Thank you for having us. I loved it and I thought we did a great job.

C: We have to validate each other after every time we do something.

G: Colin, you we’re so great. You were great at chatting.

C: We’re going to go home together and we’re going to have a great time.

Thank you so much for listening to “Going Out With Jake Cornell.” If you could please go and rate and review us on whatever you’re listening to this on, that would be really gorgeous for me in a huge way, so thank you.

And now, for some credits. “Going Out With Jake Cornell” is recorded in New York City and is produced by Keith Beavers and Katie Brown. The music you’re hearing is by Darbi Cicci. The cover art you’re probably looking at was photographed by M. Cooper and designed by Danielle Grinberg. And a special shoutout to VinePair co-founders Adam Teeter and Josh Malin for making all of this possible.