DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a rule against flushing the toilet at night that I have so far overlooked?
My family has started hosting overnight guests again after a hiatus. Each of the last two people who stayed with us asked my permission to flush the toilet at night before they turned in.
The bathroom is in the hallway shared by the bedrooms, including our children’s. I guess the concern was that the flush would wake up the kids?
This isn’t something I’ve ever worried about, or thought to ask at someone else’s house. Is it rude to flush without permission? I can’t imagine not flushing would be a good option for anyone.
GENTLE READER: Unless you are on a train and stopped at a station, Miss Manners can think of no reason why flushing should be suspended. The shock of any late-night noise will surely be far less offensive than that of waking up to refuse that has been lingering overnight.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a friend tell me not to say the phrase “to be honest with you,” because it “makes me look stupid.” This admonishment was as unexpected as it was disturbing.
I explained that there are many ways to say the same thing, and doing so does not imply that I was being dishonest previously. I went as far as to give him a list of possible alternatives that I use. They were:
— Actually …
— As a matter of fact …
— As it happens …
— Frankly …
— Truth be told …
— In actual fact …
— In all fairness …
— In all honesty …
— In all sincerity…
— In fact …
— To be fair …
— To be frank …
— To tell the truth …
— Truth be told …
— Truthfully …
— With all due respect …
— TBH (short for “To be honest”) …
I was met with silence. I don’t believe I am incorrect.
My mother, who had a Ph.D. in English and was a famous screenwriter, would occasionally say it and had heard me say it. If there was anyone I’d expect to correct me, it would have been her.
Is the above-mentioned phrase offensive or rude?
GENTLE READER: These phrases are not in and of themselves rude or vapid. It is what inevitably follows them that usually is: an unsavory opinion, and not an objective fact.
So if Miss Manners could get her readers to stop insulting one another under the name of honesty, she is sure that the expressions would return to being what they once were: benign turns of phrase, not warnings of insults to come.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my day-to-day life, I do not use any cosmetics. However, occasionally, when I go out to an event, I sometimes wear a muted lipstick or a touch of mascara — but really not in an elaborate or flamboyant way.
How do I respond when people I know comment with surprise, “Oh, you are wearing makeup!”? I find such comments embarrassing and do not make them myself, as I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
GENTLE READER: “Oh dear — if it’s that noticeable, I suppose I shouldn’t have.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
