Dear Lizzy,
Is it reasonable to expect the person watching your child or children to pick up (or even better, have the children pick up) messes that are made on their watch? Does the nature of the mess (stuff left out vs mud on the floor, for example) matter? What if the stuff left out includes things like markers that your small child cannot be trusted with unless supervised? And here’s the kicker: if the person is a family member watching your kid for free on the regular, do you just suck it up and clean it up yourself after a long work day? I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I’m just really tired of coming home to a messier house than the one I left.
Exhausted By Mess
Dear Exhausted By Mess,
Hoo boy. Childcare. One of the trickiest parts of having young children. First, Exhausted By Mess, I feel you. Sometimes it will suddenly occur to me that I am the person most responsible for another person, the final stop (with my husband) when it comes to feeding that person, keeping her safe, managing the house, finances, schedules, just getting dressed in the morning, and it is both overwhelming and ridiculous. What idiot put us in charge??
So, I get why it is so exhausting to come home to a messy house and then feel like it’s on you and only you to clean it up. Can’t you get a little help? Yes, and also no.
If the childcare provider were being paid, I would say it is absolutely fair and reasonable to ask them to at the very least wipe up mud on the floor and help the children clean up their toys. When the childcare is free, it’s harder to make demands, because, well, you are getting something of great value for zero dollars and that’s pretty amazing on its own.
But, setting aside my own enormous jealousy at your free childcare, I do think there is a way to approach this with the family member and that is not as a demand but as if you are asking for help teaching your kids something, like the two of you are in this together.
I think you need to tell this person that you are trying to teach your kids to do a better job of cleaning up after themselves and you’re struggling with it. Would this caregiver be willing to help you by encouraging the kids and helping them a little?
This person clearly likes helping and loves you, so they may be open to it, if you approach it in that way. If it’s an older person, ask them for advice on how to get the kids to clean up. Everyone likes feeling useful and needed!
As far as the mud, it may be a lost cause. Free childcare is basically priceless (or worth thousands of dollars a month), so I wouldn’t do anything to make the person giving you this get even the slightest bit defensive or feel like you don’t appreciate what they are doing for you.
There is something you can do though, and it may be hard – you can give yourself a break and let the toys stay on the floor when you get home. Ask your kids to clean up and if they don’t, close the door to the messy room and go to bed. If the markers run dry, throw away the markers then you won’t have the problem anymore.
It’s literally impossible to do everything all the time so some days you have to let some things go.
I mean this sincerely: Your life will not descend into chaos if you leave a mess overnight. Or even for several nights. And bonus: If you leave the mess long enough, the person helping you with childcare will probably come back again and maybe register the mess they left the last time and consider cleaning it up, if only because they are worried about your mental health.
Good luck!
Lizzy
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