This is the latest installment of The Oregonian/OregonLive’s advice column, “Why Tho?” by Lizzy Acker. Lizzy’s advice also appears in our weekly advice newsletter. Want to get it? Subscribe now.
Dear Lizzy,
I am in my twenties and not ready to have kids yet but…maybe someday? Do you have any advice for me for when or if that finally happens? What are your best parenting tips?
Future Parent (Maybe)
Dear Future Parent (Maybe),
Having kids! What a huge and life-altering thing to do! My number one piece of advice is: Don’t do it unless you want to. There’s so much pressure everywhere, to have a kid and then to have multiple kids, but it’s not a requirement for happiness and I don’t recommend going into it hoping it adds meaning to your life. Get meaning first and then add a kid when you feel ready to give up many of the things that define you, plus sleep, for several years.
As far as advice for once you have a kid, I’m going to go with the golden rule: Treat people, in this case, your babies, like you want to be treated.
What I mean is, babies and kids are tiny geniuses, at least as smart as you. Respect them. As far as turning that into concrete advice, that’s a little tricky. You’ll find, if you become a parent, that most parents feel like they are being judged constantly, for what they are or aren’t doing. So take the following with this caveat: These things worked for me and just because someone chooses something different, I am not implying on any level that they are a bad parent.
Here it goes.
Don’t assume because babies can’t talk yet, that they aren’t hearing and understanding you. Talk to them constantly. Explain to them what you are doing. Especially explain what you are doing to them.
Remember that the stories they consume, books and television, etc., create their reality. So pick stories that might help them better exist in the world, instead of stories that are made to sell them products.
You can teach babies so much. You can teach them sign language. It’s amazing! And I am a huge proponent of at the very least reading about the ideas of infant potty training or elimination communication, which is basically helping babies use a potty at a young age and is the normal practice throughout a lot of the world.
It’s mildly controversial (don’t force your baby to pee in the potty or berate them if they don’t but also don’t do that to your toddler) and a little woo-y in the United States but can save you a lot of money on diapers. Honestly, all I did was put my baby on a potty starting at about 10 months with zero expectations while I was going to the bathroom, to give her something to do, because a pandemic was on and I was really surprised by how well she took to it.
You may notice that my advice is very baby-focused since my child is only 2.5 years old. So I asked a few coworkers with older kids for their best advice. Here’s what they said:
“Know that your kid, even at a young age is WHO THEY ARE! Do not try to make them different. You’ll only frustrate yourself at best, and at worst, push your kid away. Open your mind to the person they’re become and enjoy the ride,” said a coworker who asked to be referred to as “Grumpy old co-worker who’s lucky her kid turned out awesome.”
Another anonymous coworker who has parented non-babies had this sage advice:
“Your primary job as a parent is to support your child(ren) in a way that allows them to become the very best version of themselves. Don’t live through them, don’t place your expectations on them for the kind of job they should have or who their friends or love interests should be – or even if they have them. Embrace them for the individuals they are, figure out how to support them when they need it and get out of their way so they can make their own decisions when they don’t.
Your child will look to you to be their world, and that is a huge job that comes with no blueprint. But regardless of your parenting ‘style’ or whether you work or don’t work outside the home or what kind of choices you make about what they can watch or eat, keep in mind that even the most mundane things are shaping who they will be as adults.
You will make mistakes as a parent and you’ll need to give yourself a break, and sometimes even acknowledge to your kids that you didn’t live up to your own expectations as their parent. If they see you modeling resilience and making good choices, it’s so much more effective than lectures or rules. Be an adult your child can look up to.”
I know. It isn’t just babies who are geniuses. It’s my coworkers too!
In a way, it all boils down to this: Release your expectations. Don’t get caught up in a timeline or in the outcome. The most, most important thing? That you love your kid and show it to them. The rest you will figure out.
Good luck (far, far in the future),
Lizzy
Have a burning question? Send me an email at lacker@oregonian.com or tweet @lizzzyacker!
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