This is the latest installment of The Oregonian/OregonLive’s advice column, “Why Tho?” by Lizzy Acker. Lizzy’s advice also appears in our weekly advice newsletter. Want to get it? Subscribe now.
Dear Lizzy,
How do you stay friends with someone who has been dating an opioid addict for a few years? This is someone I’ve been very close to and the ups and downs of their relationship have really been trying and despite everything – the partner has gone clean and relapsed a few times – they just aren’t ready to quit the significant other. A big part of this has to do with my friend’s insistence that being single again is terrifying in our big city and at our age. They always say that the dating scene is much more destructive than their relationship – which is loving and full of mutual interests. While I worried a lot about this in the relationship’s early days, currently I talk about this stuff very rarely with my friend, but it’s still present when we hang out. I guess I’m really not sure what I’m asking – but maybe how is there more I can do to be supportive and/or protect myself in this situation?
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
I’ve been thinking about this all day and all night. It’s such a hard question because you are two people removed from the heroin addict and one removed from the person who won’t leave an unhealthy relationship. There’s basically nothing you can do to change either of those people, which is sort of the human condition – the only person you can change is yourself.
But, you care about your friend. Obviously, you care and love this person or you would just fade out of their life. So I think what you need to do, if you want to keep this person in your life, as hard as it might be, is accept the current situation as it is.
We, people not in this relationship, can see all the reasons your friend is wrong. It’s surely better to be alone than to be in a scary, unstable relationship, and they are probably enabling the partner, not to mention the fact that a person with that kind of addiction could die of an overdose and leave your friend single anyway at any time.
The reality though is that your friend is also a kind of addict and the help the friend and their partner need is available but only if they seek it.
If you want, you can seek help for yourself. Look into Nar-Anon, which offers support for family and friends of addicts.
You don’t want to enable your friend and you shouldn’t pretend that you think their relationship is healthy. So, since they aren’t going to change, you need to change. You need to decide what feels acceptable to you and set boundaries for yourself. Maybe you hang out with the friend sometimes, without the partner. Maybe you avoid certain topics and say, “I just don’t feel like I can talk about this right now,” if they bring up the same issues in their relationship that they refuse to meaningfully deal with. Or you can just listen, nod, and say, “That sounds really hard,” without offering solutions.
The most difficult part may be accepting that the relationship you have with your friend is not the one you want. It might be more distant than you want. You might not be able to be as honest with this person as you want. But, the reality of all relationships is they are imperfect and once you accept them for what they are, you can enjoy the good parts and see the bad dispassionately.
There may come a time when the bad outweighs the good and then you will know you need to take care of yourself and end this friendship.
Good luck!
Lizzy
Have a burning question? Send me an email at lacker@oregonian.com or tweet @lizzzyacker!
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