DEAR MISS MANNERS: Thank you for addressing the issue of “intent to offend” as opposed to being slow to adapt to newly identified verbiage. The issue our family is experiencing relates to pronoun identity.
I have a family member who has declared they/them pronouns, along with a change to their given name, in the last year. The elderly members of our family are respectful of this. We do, however, make verbal slips, both with the new name and pronoun. We aren’t intentionally using the wrong ones, but it’s a process, especially since we don’t see them but twice a year.
The issue: If we slip up and don’t correct ourselves immediately, the conversation becomes a battle. They will either aggressively correct the offender or refuse to respond, and the conversation is hijacked.
I don’t want to be disrespectful, but I have found myself hesitant to converse with them because it has the risk of major sidetracking and drama (crying and shouting). I have asked them for grace in the transition, but it seems they are so focused on the way they want to be addressed that they aren’t thinking of it as a two-way street.
The person is a minor, but their parent allows this aggressive approach to “prevent them from being disrespected.” What are your thoughts?
GENTLE READER: That they do not mind being disrespectful of their elderly relatives who are trying to respect them. Collecting insults and taking offense when obviously none was intended have become national sports.
You say that you and your fellow elders are supportive but occasionally forgetful. Consider a similar situation, but without the emotional element associated with gender:
“Hi, Chrissykins!”
“Mom! I’m 15 years old! You’ve got to stop calling me that. It’s Chris; OK?”
“Sure, honeybunch. I’ll try to remember.”
One could argue that the mother’s lapse shows a lack of respect for the child’s age. But Miss Manners would consider it a sign of maturity for the child to let this go with a mere eye roll, and to muster the patience to keep issuing polite reminders.
That approach would go a long way in making family life pleasant. Let us hope that your relative can mature enough to understand that.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper way to eat haricots verts when dining out? I had lunch with a friend and we were both served haricots verts. I speared the whole bean with a fork and took a couple of bites to finish it. She cut hers with a knife and fork. Who was right?
GENTLE READER: We are talking green beans here — long, thin, French ones. (Considering the number of people who think “RSVP” is a noun, Miss Manners is not going to trust that everyone passed high school French.)
Ice cream cone-style is wrong here, so your friend was closer to being correct. But if the beans were properly cooked, you should have been able to cut them with the side of your fork.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
