Dear Lizzy,
I guess this is an etiquette question? I have two elementary school-aged kids. As you can imagine, we go to a lot of birthday parties. Sometimes, an invitation says, “No gifts please.” I always respect that but then inevitably there will be a few gifts and I feel terribly guilty for not bringing one! Should I ignore the request and bring something anyway?
Birthday Buddy
Dear Birthday Buddy,
I also attend a lot of children’s birthday parties and I am in 100% agreement with you – if someone writes something on a party invite, you respect it! No matter what kind of party! Would you wear gym shorts to a formal wedding? Bring a date if the dinner party said no plus ones? No. That would be disrespectful.
And yet, for some reason, with children’s birthdays, this general rule of “Believe that your friends are telling you the truth about what they want when they put those words on the invite” is frequently completely disregarded.
It doesn’t help matters that earlier this year, The Cut published a pretty much totally unhinged guide on “How to text, tip, ghost, host, and generally exist in polite society today.”
Rule number 120? “Even when a kids’ party says ‘no gifts,’ you’re supposed to bring a gift.”
Um, what? No. I don’t know why people write “no gifts” on invitations, but it’s also none of my business. Maybe they have too much stuff. Maybe they are moving soon. Maybe they have a religion that doesn’t allow them to accept gifts. Who knows! Who cares? That part isn’t my job. My job is to respect the invite, go to the party, eat some cake while my child goes absolutely wild, thank them, for the cake and the entertainment for the wild child, and then go home.
If you want, bring a card. Otherwise, just bring yourself. Enjoy the party and release your guilt. If someone puts the words “no gifts” on a party invite, they should not be expecting gifts.
Good luck!
Lizzy
Have a burning question? Send me an email at lacker@oregonian.com or tweet @lizzzyacker!
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This is the latest installment of The Oregonian/OregonLive’s advice column, “Why Tho?” by Lizzy Acker. Lizzy’s advice also appears in our weekly advice newsletter. Want to get it? Subscribe now.
