Dear Amy: I work with wonderful people. There are a dozen of us on the team. We work well together and genuinely enjoy one another’s company and friendship.
When someone has a baby, we throw a shower. For a milestone anniversary with the company, we celebrate that.
When someone is ill, we provide support. When someone leaves the company, we bid a fond farewell.
Birthdays often involve surprise treats. We get together for lunch. We go to movies. We laugh a lot. It’s all great, and I’ve always happily participated in and contributed to these things.
Alas, I’ve never been on the receiving end of any of it. My milestone anniversary with the company passed without note, as did a milestone birthday. When I had major surgery . . . nothing.
Today I received an invitation to contribute to a group housewarming gift for one of my colleagues. Normally, I would be all in. The thing is, I moved to a new house five months ago. All of my coworkers know this. And yet they didn’t band together for a gift.
I am confident that I’m well-liked and respected, but I can’t figure out why I’m not on the collective radar. I find myself really annoyed by this.
Should I just let it go, or can you offer any advice on how to let them know that this is kind of hurtful and insensitive (without actually saying that, of course!)?
I’m planning to retire from this company within the next few years, and I’m already expecting (and pre-disappointed) that it will be a non-event.
– Hey, I’m Sitting Right Here!
Dear Right Here!: Company doings are often initiated by one or two people who get the collective co-worker social ball rolling.
I’m taking your word for how wonderful these co-workers are, but the fact that your own momentous events have been ignored – when so many others are recognized – is unconscionable.
I suggest that you swallow the momentary embarrassment, adopt a baffled attitude, raise your hand, and let the others in this group know: “I’m always happy to celebrate and contribute to these things, but hellooooo, do you realize that all of my moments are skipped over? Who do I have to know to get on this generous list?”
Dear Amy: Recently I visited a friend who lives a plane ride away.
During my visit, she took me to one of those “parties” where a sales pitch is given and attendees are supposed to buy products.
This party was never mentioned in advance as part of our plans.
Having no interest in the merchandise (and no room in my suitcase), I did not purchase anything.
Later, my friend told me I was rude for not participating. When I explained my position, she told me I should have purchased a small item.
What is the correct etiquette in this situation?
– Wondering
Dear Wondering: It is certainly not polite for one friend to accuse another of being “rude” for sitting quietly during a sales party to which she has not been invited.
If you are invited to one of these parties and attend knowing the purpose, then the host does have a hope or expectation that guests will purchase something, Guests, who are often friends or associates of the “host,” will often bow to the implied social pressure and purchase something they might not need or want, which seems to be the overall business model of these direct sales schemes.
The only way out of this is death, or (preferably) declining the invitation.
Dear Amy: Your advice to “Already Moved On,” whose 36-year-old daughter was continually reaching out to and being rejected by her father, was not helpful. This woman needs the help of a qualified therapist to deal with her feelings. Advising her to continue attempting contact is the definition of insanity.
Giving this loser the opportunity to keep hurting her is pointless. She needs the tools to come to terms with the fact that her father doesn’t deserve to have her or his grandchildren in his life and learn to move on without him.
Believe me, I’m speaking from personal experience. My biological father was the king of the losers.
My therapist and I have worked through all of this together and I’m a lot stronger.
– Moved On, With Help
Dear Moved On: I could probably match you in the bad dad department, and I agree that therapy would be very useful. As I said in my response, achieving detachment from any particular outcome is the ideal.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
