Dear Readers: Like you, I’m often curious about what happens to the advice I offer once it leaves my desk, and so I’ve asked readers to send in “updates” to let all of us know how my advice was received, if it was followed, and how things turned out.
The responses have flowed in, and I’m interested and often gratified to learn what impact this experience has had on readers.
Of all of the updates I’ve received, today’s update has moved me the most.
The original Q&A is printed below, followed by the update.
Dear Amy: I’m an adult man, nearing 50, with a very difficult family history. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. I lived with my mother and stepfather. Their relationship was quite twisted, and between the ages of 14 and 15 he sexually molested me, with my mother’s knowledge.
I have done lots of healing about this, and today I have a great life.
My question is: Now that my mother and biological father are elderly (my stepfather committed suicide), what kind of “allegiance” do I owe my parents, in terms of caring for them in their declining years? I have been on my own since leaving home at 15. The thought of spending time and money on two people who were poor parents makes me angry. Then comes the guilt. What’s your perspective on this?
– Wounded Son
Dear Son: If assisting your parents would further your healing, then you should do it. Rising above the horror show of your childhood to support your abusers would be an extraordinary act of grace. However, I don’t think you should consider yourself a failure if you can’t reach this extremely high standard.
You don’t illuminate your relationship with your father, but my perspective is that the fact that they have survived long enough to be elderly should not confer any more obligation upon you than when you were an abused 15-year-old victim — with no parents to protect and support you.
This sounds very harsh, but I feel that they renounced their kinship to you and your allegiance to them when they victimized you.
You also don’t say if your parents have reached out to you or if they have made any attempts to explain, atone or ask for forgiveness.
Forgiveness is very powerful. Forgiving them for their failings does not mean you have to support them.
The work of Dave Pelzer, a survivor of horrific childhood abuse, will provide a valuable perspective. Pelzer’s writing about healing and forgiveness will inspire you. Start with his book “A Man Named Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness” (Plume, 2000).
(Originally published, September, 2011)
Update, from “Wounded Son”: Dear Amy, your letter is part of my permanent files. Several times since you answered, when I had occasion to disclose my history to close friends, I told them about how I keep a strong boundary around my parents and do not intend to do much for them as they age. I almost always added that I have you in my corner on this – in print!
You writing “I feel that they renounced their kinship to you and your allegiance to them when they victimized you” was tremendous validation.
My parents are both dead now.
I am proud that I managed to maintain relationships with each of them – cordial with my geographically distant father, and friendly but careful with my mother, who lived not far away.
I visited my mom frequently enough to avoid the guilt I would have had if I had cut her off completely.
I believe each of my parents was fully aware of how difficult my early life had been, and how responsible they were for that.
I think just being around me was very difficult for my mom, and she never proactively tried to make amends, but on a couple occasions when I brought up the past, she said, “I’m so sorry.” That means a lot.
I’m thankful that both of them had loved ones nearby who attended to them at the end of their lives. They seemed to know not to approach me for financial support.
Near the end of her life, my mom said to one of my nephews, “I’m lucky that my children even speak to me.” Which is heartbreaking, but true.
In searching for my letter online, I saw many others written by adults who were abused as children.
Thank you for answering us.
– Healed
Dear Healed: Your story is one of triumph and reconciliation.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
