Dear Annie: My son, who is now 50 years old, cannot get his life in order. When he was a younger child, he learned how to play the mother-against-the-father game to get what he wanted; the mother always gave in, and this did not sit well with me. His mother, who I am no longer married to, has always been an enabler and still is to this day.
My son is not happy in his job, his relationship of many years or his home life, but he refuses to correct any of it. After hearing him complain about everything multiple times, I gave some advice that he did not want to hear. I tell it like it is, and I guess the truth hurts. He doesn’t communicate with me at all.
He has also had recent serious health issues that took a toll on him because he had a bad diet, smoked way too much, was quite a bit overweight and was drinking too much, but that did not seem to matter to him. I have told him recently to correct these issues in his life so he can be happy and not depressed, but the more I say these things, the more distant we become. I would like to see him on a path to happiness, but he has to be the one to move forward. — Concerned
Dear Concerned: Your advice isn’t bad, but it sounds like your delivery needs work. You need to meet your son where he is. Advice like “stop smoking, stop drinking, eat healthier, end your relationship and get a new job” would be daunting for anyone to hear, and it probably leaves him feeling like you don’t understand him or have compassion for his situation.
Instead of focusing on the huge life changes he needs to make — or on his relationship with his mother — help him take concrete, bite-sized steps in the right direction. Once he feels the momentum and sees a little bit of progress, he will be inspired to keep going, especially if you encourage him each step of the way.
Dear Annie: I am a 68-year-old grandmother who has been widowed for 20 years. My retirement paycheck is basically nothing since I did not have two incomes for the last 20 years before retirement like many married couples have.
Whenever my daughter and her husband go on vacation, I help with the grandbabies. My issue is that they only leave me with $75 a day to feed and entertain them. So, while they are out of town having fun, I frequently have to dig into my limited funds to make it fun for the kids left behind. What should I do? Can they not see how expensive it is to feed three children these days? — Clueless Parents or Clueless Grandmother?
Dear Clueless: It’s lovely that you get to help out your daughter and spend time with your grandbabies, but $75 to feed three hungry kids doesn’t go too far. Surely their parents know this. Since they are already getting a free babysitter, they should at least make sure they are leaving you enough money to feed and entertain the kids — and you should not feel guilty about explaining this to them.
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