DEAR MISS MANNERS: With a certain group, I am only invited to events that require gifts. I’ve realized these people are complete users. How do I gently get away from them?
GENTLE READER: Sadly, that seems to be the prevalent form of entertaining everywhere. Rather than planning parties just for the fun of getting together with friends, many people only issue invitations to celebrate milestones in their own lives.
Adults used to have parties only on significant birthdays; now it’s every year. Countless events — besides the wedding reception and perhaps a shower — have been tacked on to marriages. And even those are not enough, so people have gotten creative — inventing such things as the “going off to college” shower and the gender-reveal party.
Of course, such events imply gift-giving. Unabashed greed, now that perfectly solvent people are not ashamed to beg for cash, surely has a lot to do with this. Miss Manners has in front of her an invitation from an unknown couple — they don’t give their last names — asking wedding guests to make the down payment for them on a townhouse in a major city.
But Miss Manners suspects that there could be another explanation for the decline in just-for-the-fun-of-it entertaining: Today’s would-be hosts have no pattern to follow.
They are familiar, from childhood, with the format of a birthday party. And during (or after) college, they experienced spontaneous cooperative get-togethers where someone brought the wine, someone else made the spaghetti and others picked up dessert.
But an actual dinner party? That sounds — watch out for today’s scariest concept — “formal.”
Not necessarily. But formal or informal, there is a pattern for a dinner party: a guest list filled with people who would presumably enjoy talking with one another; drinks and nibbles as they arrive; dinner while seated around a table; then coffee served away from the table, so that different conversational groups can form.
Trust Miss Manners, this is a very pleasant way to spend an evening. And it is not hard to put on. Yes, you have a lot of cooking to do, but then the guests invite you to dinner in return, so you get several cooking-free meals in exchange.
It would probably not be helpful for her to suggest that you trade in your group of “users” for people who want only to enjoy your company and not to send you shopping. But you might try setting them an example. While declining those parties you don’t enjoy, you could show your friendship by inviting them to events with no such strings attached.
When they ask, you will have to respond, “No, there’s no special occasion; I’d just like to see you” — and you might eventually inspire them.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why is it considered rude to wash your hands at a kitchen sink? The dish soap is available, the water is available, so what’s the problem?
GENTLE READER: It is? Other than when the cook doesn’t want you underfoot and you could perfectly well use the bathroom sink?
Miss Manners suspects that there are people who like to think up strange rules for the purpose of catching other people violating them. And that there are others who will now think of some strange hygienic reason to justify this alleged rule.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
