DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you suggest a tactical and polite way to approach a neighbor we do not know, asking if he would kindly consider reducing the wattage of the lightbulb in his front lawn lamppost?
The light literally outshines the entire street. More specifically, it casts a glare into the confines of our porch, where we enjoy sitting for a couple of hours at night with a few candles lit for atmosphere.
This is developing into a major problem between my husband and me, and we would like to resolve it without installing a shade on the porch window or planting tall shrubs at our expense. Would an upfront approach with the neighbor seem safe, considering how touchy people are these days about their rights? How would you handle this?
GENTLE READER: That you characterize this as a problem between you and your husband — rather than as your joint problem with the neighbor — suggests to Miss Manners that the spouse less concerned about the problem should be the one to approach the neighbor.
That spouse, being less angry, is less likely to set off a possibly touchy neighbor, and therefore more likely to succeed. She suggests the less-engaged spouse draft a letter to the neighbor to be signed by the more-engaged. Such a letter should assume that the neighbor is not unreasonably touchy, and would be glad to know about an inadvertently caused problem.
The phrase “I’m sure you don’t realize …” will be more effective if paired with a separate statement that you would like to get to know the neighbor, and an invitation to enjoy a drink on the porch. That the neighbor will then experience the issue himself need not be mentioned.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is one obligated to speak to a stranger who approaches them? And are there different rules when it is in person versus online?
I commented on someone else’s (public) social media post, and a complete stranger replied to me, addressing me by first name as if we were long acquaintances. I replied to them that I was certain they did not know me. They replied that they would like to, and I gave them my customary answer: “No.”
GENTLE READER: The obligation to acknowledge strangers ends when they make a nuisance of themselves, an exception that telemarketers live in hope you will forget.
As Miss Manners sees it, the distinction between online and off is that a stranger approaching you on the street presents a possibly frightening intrusion, whereas it is expected in online forums. So while your would-be social media friend was not rude in addressing you, and although they are hardly the only person who believes that surnames have been abolished, they forfeited any further call on your time after progressing to cheeky.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please tell me how to respond when family or close friends recommend a particular TV series to watch, only for me to find out that the show is full of situations and dialogue that go against our moral standards?
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by telling them that we objected to their suggested program.
GENTLE READER: Are they close enough for you to have a civil discussion about what bothers you? If not, “It’s not really our taste” should be enough, and Miss Manners reminds you that there is no accounting for taste.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
