DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like your opinion on a trend in conversational courtesy.
Other person: “Hi! How are you?”
Me: “Fine, thanks, how are you?”
Other person: “I’m fine, thanks for asking.”
Why “Thanks for asking”? Should I have said that, too? I did thank them, but not as elaborately.
I feel as though something else needs to be said in order to move on to the purpose of the conversation, but what? “You’re welcome” is absurd.
It jars, and I’m not sure why, so I just blunder on with the conversation.
GENTLE READER: When shopkeepers collectively discovered “Have a nice day,” a number of Miss Manners’ gentle readers objected that the sentiment expressed was disingenuous. She reminded them not to take such things as more than ordinary politeness: Not every morning is good, after all, but we still say “Good morning.”
“Thanks for asking” is no doubt well-intentioned, but not mandatory. At some point we are going to have to stop adding words so that we can actually have our day.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to invite friends to your baby shower who came to your wedding a year ago, but who were not invited to your bridal shower?
GENTLE READER: It is reasonable to assume that our nearest and dearest rejoice in our good fortune. But Miss Manners has long believed that it is bad policy to test those feelings unnecessarily, which is one reason she objects to the proliferation of additional gift-giving opportunities around major life celebrations.
Your question raises another: How does one exclude a guest from one event in a series without looking as if you sent them home without dessert?
One cannot, which is why one has to think back to the distinct events being celebrated — in this case, a wedding and a birth. Whatever the connection between those two, etiquette has long considered them separate causes for celebration. This absolves you of having to recycle the guest list, whatever the order in which the celebrations occurred.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often have adult visitors of various ages stay at my house. Sometimes in the afternoon, while watching television or when everyone is sitting around talking, someone will unintentionally fall asleep.
I take it as a compliment that they are able to relax in my presence. But if I needed to wake the person up, how would I kindly do so? Or when the person wakes up and seems embarrassed, how do I reassure them that it’s OK that they were resting?
Lastly, how should I handle the situation if I ever fall asleep without meaning to, whether as a host or a guest?
GENTLE READER: The best way to demonstrate that it is not a problem is to take little or no notice: Engage the person when awake, overlook any discomfort demonstrated, and quietly remove any items — such as empty glasses — that appear to be in danger.
As a guest, you may expect the same courtesy from your host. If you fall asleep at your own party, it may be worth apologizing — particularly if you wake to find the guests gone, the lights off and the dishes put away (in which case, the apology will require a call or note).
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
